Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Thoughts on Julia Gulia

One of the most unbelievable scenes in cinematic history:

I can't believe any woman in a similar situation would just now be realizing it this far along in the relationship. In fact, how well his name sounds with mine is one of the first things I consider when getting to know someone new. It is second only to my subconscious gut response to the sound of his first name.

One of my grandmother's married names was Judy Judy, after all.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Sometimes the idea of something is way more complicated and stressful than the actual thing.

For example, I had two activities planned (work and a volunteer project) and a third added in between them (a hard to gather group of family members).

Technically I have time for all three but I like to have time between things to guarantee I am functional. But I vented my frustration to a friend and asked for perspective. She simply asked if I had anything going on the following day and suggested I rest then.

This is the best advice if I'm aiming to keep all my obligations. But I'm also exhausted and sore from a long week of work. And worried that I will be less productive for taking on too much at once..

We shall see how it goes.

Things I Think About While Driving:

What are the Dickens...and why do they hurt so much?

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Love and Pain.

I love the way my poor red swollen pinky toe feels when I knead the fur on my softy soft kitty cats back and legs and toes.

Thursday, September 11, 2014


Since I doubt anybody is reading this anymore (although if you are, cheers!), tonight I tried an experiment. I got up from my bed and took some easy clothes to change into, changed clothes in the bathroom, walked quietly out the front door and took a drive for less than 10 minutes. Nobody seems to have noticed.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Perspective. The price of peace.

I wish I could offer a different perspective but I just want to express myself sometimes.  I have no life.  I play video games and I watch Netflix and I text a couple of friends about BULLSHIT. And every so often I hang out with a friend.

Tonight was one of those rare occasions when I not only went out but actually talked with new people.  I felt like an ad for my situation: unemployed and lost, but hopeful.  I definitely don't think anyone else is more worthy, but I am an empath by nature and therefore it is hard for me to disregard what other people are going through.

This isn't the place to reveal what happened but i just have to say that if you have ever been harassed or pressured into a situation or if you've ever been threatened or accused of anything without cause... I can relate.

It causes a lot of damage, emotionally and psychologically and after this ordeal that I've been dealing with since the middle of October has come to a sort of conclusion, I'm ready to talk about my feelings.  I'm ready to let go of my anger.  I can't believe that I came out practically unscathed.  It came with a price of course, but the price was less than my reputation; less than my head.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I'd like to complain about all the crap I muddle through on a daily basis these days but how can I put that out in the world when I know people, animals, and the whole damn planet seem to be suffering.

Plus, the internet can be a very cruel place. I don't need to expose myself to a barrage of hate if other people "disagree" with my opinions or experience.


As a younger adult/older teen, I was riding in Penny's car down the 60 freeway when she enlightened me with the factoid that she and her boyfriend not only smoked pot but did other drugs regularly...and apparently had a lot of sex.

I learned to understand that adults...were human just like me. What a revelation!


I could have been a red neck... or a valley girl.. or a proper girl... or maybe you don't know what I was supposed to be so you let me escape your over sized SUV because you stopped to get gas while I slipped out the back.  That's fine, you'll be fine. I will be better, in fact.

But I will not have mercy on you.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Tidbits - Job Search

I think I'm going to try to just post short random thoughts on here for a while, just to generate content and to keep up with writing.

First random thought:

Changing careers is really hard. It seems like I'm way under qualified or over qualified for every job that is local to me.  Oh and my favorite so far are those listings that go like this:

Company Name
Job Title

Education level required: High School diploma or equivalent.

Experience required: Must have 2 years experience doing all the tasks that we need you to do, if we hire you.

I mean, come on! Really?  On the one hand, I should be able to do this job right after high school, but on the other hand you want me to (basically) have already worked at your company for 2 years.

I GUARANTEE that I could do just about any task I needed to for a typical office job with little or no training, yet I haven't actually worked in an "office" so I sound like an idiot in my interviews.

Head. Desk.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Anxiety, Fear, & Paranoia

Jane began having anxiety at a young age - so young that she didn't even know what anxiety was or that the way she experienced the world was different from other people.  Without words to express what she felt, she internalized a lot of pain and developed certain psychological defense mechanisms usually associated with victims of abuse.  As she got older she learned what to call her affliction and eventually how to cope with it.

It wasn't an easy road to travel, but Jane had always been more introspective than those around her seemed to be. The ability to emotionally sit in the center of conflict and see it from it's various angles grew out of a need to maintain balance amidst the turbulence of family conflict.  She loved them all and so she could see how each one was right...and also wrong, at the same time.  She learned to stay neutral and in doing so was able to offer a different perspective to those in conflict.  With this ability, she began to heal herself as well.

Anxiety is the physical response your body has to fear. I think in a "normal" person anxiety is rare or short-term and in response to things that anyone in their "right" mind would be afraid of.  But some of us have an over-exaggerated fear response because of some trauma we've experienced (and we might not even consciously remember it).  

Jane's anxiety manifested as a knot in her stomach, nausea, elevated heart rate, sweating, and sometimes a lack of focus and even short-term memory loss.  These symptoms would arise at almost any sign of conflict, whether real or imagined.  She suffered silently for years as social situations became difficult and often painful.  

It is not clear when she learned to face her fears, but she developed techniques that have allowed her to cope with these feelings.  She still feels them, but now they don't control her.  

But even with a decade of self-healing under her belt, every so often, some unexpected thing comes along and knocks her right back on her childhood ass.  So she takes a deep breath, makes sure all the doors are locked and the windows are covered, and starts from the beginning again.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Nothing to Report.

Not 10 minutes after I arrived at my cousin's wedding I got the first "where are you working?" question.  This is the main reason I haven't been to a family gathering in years.  I have been employed and single, or unemployed and dating for the past 4 years and frankly, the only questions they ever seem to care about are where I am working and who I am dating.  And even when I've had one out of the two I felt lacking.

Now, I love my family and I don't mean to portray them as negative or controlling. They probably don't know me well enough to ask me about the pursuits in my life other than work and dating.  I don't fault them exactly.  But when it comes to Christmas Eve or other gatherings, I have avoided them because I have nothing to report.  I have been barely employed for the past two years and I haven't had a serious boyfriend for even longer.  And to make matters worse, my employment goals are not that of an up and coming Wall Street go-getter. I would prefer part-time work. I NEED local work. I have all but given up on a career job for the time being.

Because that is not my priority.

But there is so much back story to that statement. A simple "How are you?" can't possibly cover it.  I appreciate the attempt at non-judgment when they each ask me (and mind you, there are about 10 who ask), "are you still working at blabity blahs?" "No, but they decided to keep the guy without my level of education and field experience who was buddies with the supervisor... ".  I'm just kidding. I never actually told my family that one.  It's too real, too personal.  I come up with lame excuses about budget cuts and work limitations in southern California (which are totally true).  Except that I have made a decision to stop looking for that kind of work. This I don't go into. I don't expand on the fact that I'm changing careers. I make light-hearted comments about "looking for the next adventure" or calling myself a "Jane of all Trades".

But the truth is, I'm lost.  I'm outside of time.  I've worked myself into a career corner with cultural resource management and without a higher degree, I'm essentially done there.  But what else do I do?  I don't have real experience with sales or serving and limited experience with office work.  And I can't commute far. The last time I tried commuting to LA for a job I almost fell asleep driving home on a regular basis.

I'm willing to work.  I just want something local.  I don't understand why its so hard to find work in my own community.  I find the perfect jobs everywhere else, it seems.

I digress.  My family, of course, just wants to know whats going on, but I feel like I owe them a good story.  And the fact that I don't have one and I know that I don't have one, feels real shitty.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Science vs. Religion, part 1

Where to begin?  I am a scientist, by nature. I use logic and trial and error and my five senses to come to conclusions about the world.  However, I do not consider myself an atheist.  I'm not a Christian either.  I try to have ideas about what I don't know, not beliefs.  Atheists believe in the reality that there is no God, no spirit, no things which we cannot explain with science.  I'm somewhere near that, but as a generalist (in general), I just can't commit to that extreme either. I am open to possibility.  This doesn't mean I'm going to agree with something that is contrary to what I know to be true; it means that there are a lot of things we humans still don't know about the nature of reality and I don't claim to know the answers either.

This is important to understand because I feel very strongly that Christianity (or any fundamentalist religious group) has no business in science.  They are mutually exclusive. They are as different as the subjects of Economics and Music are in school. You're a private Christian school and you want to teach that Genesis is literal?  Fine. I disagree with it, but you have that right to teach it in your school.  But to call any of it science is ludicrous!

Science is a subject in its own right. It wasn't "created" by scientists to prove their beliefs. If anything, it is a language for scientists to express what they "discover" about the world.  It's like Math.  Humans needed a way to express the idea of quantity.  For example: I collected 10 oranges and you would like to eat 2 of them but I want 3 lemons in exchange.  A system of numbers was created to express quantity.  As culture became more complex, so did our need to express numbers and therefore we developed algebra and geometry and calculus.  We didn't just make the shit up on a whim.  Science didn't just get pulled out of some scientist's ass either.

The problem I have is two-fold.  1. Children are not getting an adequate education to go out into the world and be functioning rational adults, able to have positive discourse with anyone outside of their own worldview.  This limits their potential for growth as a human being.  This process of controlling what a child learns and has access to is a way of controlling their minds in general so that they grow up to not question anything - even when it is blatantly in conflict with their own self-interest. This happens in public school as well, but these children have access to ideas outside of what they are being taught as "true".

This leads to... 2.  Adults who have been brainwashed into thinking science is a religion and that all scientists are atheists and that anyone who questions their beliefs is an atheist.  None of which are true.  It is the very heart of science to be logical and to question everything. When you have been taught that science is based on belief, you can dismiss it easily and insert whatever hair-brained idea you have in its place.  The fact that I can't have a rational conversation with a particular segment of humanity because they are teaching their children OUT RIGHT LIES is heartbreaking.

I'm not arguing that public school is perfect or that science is the only way to experience the world.  I am arguing that science should be taught as simply "science" in whatever school it is taught.  Teach "intelligent design" on its own, if you must. Teach your class on Genesis and enjoy yourself... but they have no business in science.  And if you just refuse to teach kids about evolution as science, go ahead and call it a "theory" if that helps you sleep at night.  Just please, PLEASE teach it in a SCIENCE class.