Saturday, September 12, 2015

I Forgot

I saw a few posts here and there about 9/11 and moved past them.  Its not that I'm insensitive to what happened, but I expect  people closer to the crash sites to be more active than someone like me, who didn't even watch it happening on TV that morning 14 years ago.  I hear the tributes, I see the pictures - I can't imagine how much it affected so many people's lives.  But it really didn't affect mine.  I mean, it changed the political landscape of my world forever, and I've had to change the way I pack and plan on removing my shoes when I take flights, but as a relatively average US citizen living in Los Angeles, CA it didn't fucking change much.  

In fact, the night before 9/11/2001 I was hanging out with my boyfriend at the time, lets call him AM.  He was trying out this thing where he was self sufficient in the world with minimal resources even though he actually came from a middle class family.  

That particular night we ended up sleeping in a drainage area (don't get me wrong, it was nicely cemented and relatively clean, just unusual for most people to sleep at), drinking some beers, and having no cares in the world.  The next morning, he headed over to a friends house nearby and was met by the first wave of  hysteria about planes crashing into the world trade center.  At the time, we had no solid facts, and he relayed what he'd heard to me.  We were both in college, sociopolitical activists, vegans, and punk rockers.  I think when we first heard what had happened, it was surreal in a different sense than most people think because we were primed to imagine everything as an act of some revolution that we thought was coming.  But when we took a bus to our college and talked to a local kid we soon realized that it was already being blamed on external terrorism.  

The next few weeks we watched, and read, and researched and I remember believing some crazy theories about what really happened to the towers, the pentagon, the other plane that exploded.  And I know how easy it was for me to latch on to some of these crazy theories.  That's why I understand how hard it can be for other people to this day. Not just about 9/11 conspiracy but everything else. Sometimes we are just looking for a logical neat answer or someone to blame that makes sense.  But in reality, most things happen because of a long string of actions and reactions that are hard to pinpoint.

In my own screwed up way, I remember September 11, 2001 as this day when everything changed, but not in the same way that everyone else does.  I think that was the beginning of the end for my relationship with AM.  He was critical of my drinking (as he should have been) but I took it very hard.  He was the first love of my life.  I felt like someone died when he left me.  He was one of those guys that all my friends loved and continued to ask about until years later.  He was special.  I loved him completely, for a time. And then he was gone.

To Any Readers Out There

Lately, I've taken to writing my thoughts on Evernote on my phone so  I have them but don't need to publish them.  I have certain issues with publishing every thought and so I give myself a waiting period.  But as much as I try to shield myself from internet trolls and what not, I do need to publish more. My friend always encourages me to submit stuff and I will eventually, but in the meantime, I will publish a bit more here and hopefully get some feedback?


"Feminist" Crap

I just read a post where a guy was complaining about women rejecting men and being friendzoned.. and on the one hand, I get it. A lot, I mean A LOT of girls simply don't think of guys as having the same feelings as they do because they're guys - and we're raised to think there's this huge innate difference between us.  So we may not always realize how much we hurt them until we get older.  We are different, but not so different we need to be raised in two separate worlds like that.  But the other side to that coin is the simple truth that we still live in a society where most males are born with more privilege than most females.  And while most men have never had to alter their lifestyle, plans for the night, or walking path for fear of being raped, most women have.  Bottom line.  A fact.  

So, I'd like to talk about the actual differences between us which lead to our different behaviors.

Even with birth control, accidents can happen.  If we get pregnant, we have to invest 9 months of our lives to carrying a child OR having an abortion.  I'm not arguing pro/con abortion here, just including it as a realistic option.  If we give birth, and survive, we have a choice of raising a child or giving it up for adoption.   We may not realize it, but when we are out at a bar and slightly greasy bad teeth guy comes up to us and asks to buy us a drink, we are assessing whether or not he's good genetic material and worth that fucking time and effort and risk.  The standards we have vary across the board, but it doesn't matter. There's always gonna be that one goofball who just doesn't cut the mustard on first impression.  But, it also can take us some time to figure ourselves out and unfortunately, guys will get hurt along the way.  I am ashamed to admit how many hearts I must have left broken in my wake as an adolescent/young adult.  But you hopefully learn lessons and improve yourself and how you treat guys in time.

I can only conjecture here. It seems like guys are still encouraged to "go out and spread their seed" as it were, even though I hope there is more focus on safe sex then there used to be.  And I know that a lot of guys want relationships but either way, my personal experience has led me to think that guys in general will take what they can get (sex wise) and they often don't wear protection unless you talk about it.  Which, even if you are both just having a bit of fun, can lead to the above mentioned "accidents".  My advice to guys (and girls too) is, always treat girls with the same respect you'd treat any other human being and if she says no or doesn't treat you well, don't take it personally, don't dwell on it too much, just move on.  Some bitches gonna hate, but most are are oblivious to your obsession.  If you truly like a girl, give it some time.  But not so much time that you lose out on other opportunities.  We are only human, after all.

I will say that I hate guys always referring to females as bitches, hoes, etc. There's no need to add that extra layer of derogatory name, except to let me know who the big assholes who don't actually like women are.  And I think I've figured out my biggest problem.  I think that even when guys say they "love women" and aren't totally misogynists, they don't actually "like" women as people.  

I think the problem with dating is rooted in several things.  One, we are told that fantastic lie that there is someone out there for everyone and love love stinking love is all you need.  Two, that people don't take care of themselves as well as they used to and so there are a lot more people who fall outside the "average" standard of good looking. Three, we often resort to going out and trying to meet strangers, having no other standard but their looks to make our decisions on.  Four, we have an expectation of what a man is supposed to be to us without having a defined standard of what we should be to them in return.  The truth is that there is no actual standard for either of us, but we have both imposed an imaginary standard on each other and then are disappointed.

And there are a lot of pent up angry single mothers out there teaching their daughters some fucked up lessons about how to treat guys.  In their defense though, they've been through some shit and have most likely been left to raise a child all by themselves.  Angry single moms often lead to angry daughters who don't always have a good male role model in their lives.  I was one of those, so I know.  It took me longer than my peers to learn some harsh lessons about dating and sex and men and women.  

Now, as a single lady once again, I have hope but its clouded by self-doubt. I know what kind of problems I have and I've always been able to be honest about them with a guy.  But I feel like now that I'm older, its going to be that much harder to find someone decent who I can be myself with.  Who knows.

Monday, August 17, 2015

True Story

I work at a store that sells movies (and not just the $5 bin lame movies but actual hits and box sets and the like) and I was browsing the selection after I'd just clocked out for the day.

Me, to my coworker across the aisle: Man, I really want all the Harry Potter movies but the box set is just too much right now.

Coworker: Ya, I hear that.

Me: I also want all the Star Wars movies.  I don't own any.  I've always dated guys who owned them.  But now, I guess I should buy my own.

Random male customer nearby starts snort laughing which turns into a real hearty laugh.

Me, to the customer: True story!

Where Should I Go?

I don't like being touched by strangers, especially when I'm hot. There are times when everyone is chilling out in the same mental place watching a band and you end up rubbing arms and shoulders and whatever but I'm talking about strangers passing by you, making a path next to you in between you and your friends, and knocking your purse as they pass without any regard.

I find myself relieved to be listening to ignorant and vulgar rap music in the air conditioning over seeing a live band with talent and appeal in the sauna that was the Echo.

Echo park is hard for me. It's been like 5 years since I moved out and left that ex but less than a year since Emily died. And a few weeks ago I ran into my ex's sister here. Just like covina is hard for me. My recent ex (I don't even like to call him that yet, that's how new and hard it is) knows all the people that work in the craft beer industry.  I don't want to go to covina, Pomona, echo park, where am I supposed to go?

What it's like when i try to just sit and do nothing.

It's an itch under my skin that gets worse with each scratch. I fiddle, I twiddle my thumbs. I scratch my palms, alternating hands every couple minutes. My feet never stop reaching for my knees, toes wiggling and grinding together. The dirt under my nails is a constant distraction, almost as much as the tiny cracks along their tips, which lead to my repeatedly tracing the uneven edges with my other finger nails. A hangnail is the bane of my existence sometimes.  The pores on my face itch and cry out to be touched, then weep puss and blood when I do, leaving scabs and scars and shame behind.  I keep looking at my phone and deciding not to bother anybody.  "Why aren't they calling me?", I ask.  Is that a pain in my side and isn't that where the liver is? 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Like is Fleeting

I turn on the computer
Enter my secret passwords
And there you are.
Oh my Facebook friend,
And Instagram lover.
He "likes" me.
He "likes" me, not.
I think I am in #Like with him.
I hope our Like will last forever.
Then he moves on to Snapchat.
Without me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Thoughts on Julia Gulia

One of the most unbelievable scenes in cinematic history:

I can't believe any woman in a similar situation would just now be realizing it this far along in the relationship. In fact, how well his name sounds with mine is one of the first things I consider when getting to know someone new. It is second only to my subconscious gut response to the sound of his first name.

One of my grandmother's married names was Judy Judy, after all.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Sometimes the idea of something is way more complicated and stressful than the actual thing.

For example, I had two activities planned (work and a volunteer project) and a third added in between them (a hard to gather group of family members).

Technically I have time for all three but I like to have time between things to guarantee I am functional. But I vented my frustration to a friend and asked for perspective. She simply asked if I had anything going on the following day and suggested I rest then.

This is the best advice if I'm aiming to keep all my obligations. But I'm also exhausted and sore from a long week of work. And worried that I will be less productive for taking on too much at once..

We shall see how it goes.

Things I Think About While Driving:

What are the Dickens...and why do they hurt so much?

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Love and Pain.

I love the way my poor red swollen pinky toe feels when I knead the fur on my softy soft kitty cats back and legs and toes.

Thursday, September 11, 2014


Since I doubt anybody is reading this anymore (although if you are, cheers!), tonight I tried an experiment. I got up from my bed and took some easy clothes to change into, changed clothes in the bathroom, walked quietly out the front door and took a drive for less than 10 minutes. Nobody seems to have noticed.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Perspective. The price of peace.

I wish I could offer a different perspective but I just want to express myself sometimes.  I have no life.  I play video games and I watch Netflix and I text a couple of friends about BULLSHIT. And every so often I hang out with a friend.

Tonight was one of those rare occasions when I not only went out but actually talked with new people.  I felt like an ad for my situation: unemployed and lost, but hopeful.  I definitely don't think anyone else is more worthy, but I am an empath by nature and therefore it is hard for me to disregard what other people are going through.

This isn't the place to reveal what happened but i just have to say that if you have ever been harassed or pressured into a situation or if you've ever been threatened or accused of anything without cause... I can relate.

It causes a lot of damage, emotionally and psychologically and after this ordeal that I've been dealing with since the middle of October has come to a sort of conclusion, I'm ready to talk about my feelings.  I'm ready to let go of my anger.  I can't believe that I came out practically unscathed.  It came with a price of course, but the price was less than my reputation; less than my head.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I'd like to complain about all the crap I muddle through on a daily basis these days but how can I put that out in the world when I know people, animals, and the whole damn planet seem to be suffering.

Plus, the internet can be a very cruel place. I don't need to expose myself to a barrage of hate if other people "disagree" with my opinions or experience.


As a younger adult/older teen, I was riding in Penny's car down the 60 freeway when she enlightened me with the factoid that she and her boyfriend not only smoked pot but did other drugs regularly...and apparently had a lot of sex.

I learned to understand that adults...were human just like me. What a revelation!


I could have been a red neck... or a valley girl.. or a proper girl... or maybe you don't know what I was supposed to be so you let me escape your over sized SUV because you stopped to get gas while I slipped out the back.  That's fine, you'll be fine. I will be better, in fact.

But I will not have mercy on you.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Tidbits - Job Search

I think I'm going to try to just post short random thoughts on here for a while, just to generate content and to keep up with writing.

First random thought:

Changing careers is really hard. It seems like I'm way under qualified or over qualified for every job that is local to me.  Oh and my favorite so far are those listings that go like this:

Company Name
Job Title

Education level required: High School diploma or equivalent.

Experience required: Must have 2 years experience doing all the tasks that we need you to do, if we hire you.

I mean, come on! Really?  On the one hand, I should be able to do this job right after high school, but on the other hand you want me to (basically) have already worked at your company for 2 years.

I GUARANTEE that I could do just about any task I needed to for a typical office job with little or no training, yet I haven't actually worked in an "office" so I sound like an idiot in my interviews.

Head. Desk.