Monday, August 17, 2015

True Story

I work at a store that sells movies (and not just the $5 bin lame movies but actual hits and box sets and the like) and I was browsing the selection after I'd just clocked out for the day.

Me, to my coworker across the aisle: Man, I really want all the Harry Potter movies but the box set is just too much right now.

Coworker: Ya, I hear that.

Me: I also want all the Star Wars movies.  I don't own any.  I've always dated guys who owned them.  But now, I guess I should buy my own.

Random male customer nearby starts snort laughing which turns into a real hearty laugh.

Me, to the customer: True story!

Where Should I Go?

I don't like being touched by strangers, especially when I'm hot. There are times when everyone is chilling out in the same mental place watching a band and you end up rubbing arms and shoulders and whatever but I'm talking about strangers passing by you, making a path next to you in between you and your friends, and knocking your purse as they pass without any regard.

I find myself relieved to be listening to ignorant and vulgar rap music in the air conditioning over seeing a live band with talent and appeal in the sauna that was the Echo.

Echo park is hard for me. It's been like 5 years since I moved out and left that ex but less than a year since Emily died. And a few weeks ago I ran into my ex's sister here. Just like covina is hard for me. My recent ex (I don't even like to call him that yet, that's how new and hard it is) knows all the people that work in the craft beer industry.  I don't want to go to covina, Pomona, echo park, where am I supposed to go?

What it's like when i try to just sit and do nothing.

It's an itch under my skin that gets worse with each scratch. I fiddle, I twiddle my thumbs. I scratch my palms, alternating hands every couple minutes. My feet never stop reaching for my knees, toes wiggling and grinding together. The dirt under my nails is a constant distraction, almost as much as the tiny cracks along their tips, which lead to my repeatedly tracing the uneven edges with my other finger nails. A hangnail is the bane of my existence sometimes.  The pores on my face itch and cry out to be touched, then weep puss and blood when I do, leaving scabs and scars and shame behind.  I keep looking at my phone and deciding not to bother anybody.  "Why aren't they calling me?", I ask.  Is that a pain in my side and isn't that where the liver is? 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Like is Fleeting

I turn on the computer
Enter my secret passwords
And there you are.
Oh my Facebook friend,
And Instagram lover.
He "likes" me.
He "likes" me, not.
I think I am in #Like with him.
I hope our Like will last forever.
Then he moves on to Snapchat.
Without me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Thoughts on Julia Gulia

One of the most unbelievable scenes in cinematic history:

I can't believe any woman in a similar situation would just now be realizing it this far along in the relationship. In fact, how well his name sounds with mine is one of the first things I consider when getting to know someone new. It is second only to my subconscious gut response to the sound of his first name.

One of my grandmother's married names was Judy Judy, after all.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Sometimes the idea of something is way more complicated and stressful than the actual thing.

For example, I had two activities planned (work and a volunteer project) and a third added in between them (a hard to gather group of family members).

Technically I have time for all three but I like to have time between things to guarantee I am functional. But I vented my frustration to a friend and asked for perspective. She simply asked if I had anything going on the following day and suggested I rest then.

This is the best advice if I'm aiming to keep all my obligations. But I'm also exhausted and sore from a long week of work. And worried that I will be less productive for taking on too much at once..

We shall see how it goes.

Things I Think About While Driving:

What are the Dickens...and why do they hurt so much?

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Love and Pain.

I love the way my poor red swollen pinky toe feels when I knead the fur on my softy soft kitty cats back and legs and toes.

Thursday, September 11, 2014


Since I doubt anybody is reading this anymore (although if you are, cheers!), tonight I tried an experiment. I got up from my bed and took some easy clothes to change into, changed clothes in the bathroom, walked quietly out the front door and took a drive for less than 10 minutes. Nobody seems to have noticed.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Perspective. The price of peace.

I wish I could offer a different perspective but I just want to express myself sometimes.  I have no life.  I play video games and I watch Netflix and I text a couple of friends about BULLSHIT. And every so often I hang out with a friend.

Tonight was one of those rare occasions when I not only went out but actually talked with new people.  I felt like an ad for my situation: unemployed and lost, but hopeful.  I definitely don't think anyone else is more worthy, but I am an empath by nature and therefore it is hard for me to disregard what other people are going through.

This isn't the place to reveal what happened but i just have to say that if you have ever been harassed or pressured into a situation or if you've ever been threatened or accused of anything without cause... I can relate.

It causes a lot of damage, emotionally and psychologically and after this ordeal that I've been dealing with since the middle of October has come to a sort of conclusion, I'm ready to talk about my feelings.  I'm ready to let go of my anger.  I can't believe that I came out practically unscathed.  It came with a price of course, but the price was less than my reputation; less than my head.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I'd like to complain about all the crap I muddle through on a daily basis these days but how can I put that out in the world when I know people, animals, and the whole damn planet seem to be suffering.

Plus, the internet can be a very cruel place. I don't need to expose myself to a barrage of hate if other people "disagree" with my opinions or experience.


As a younger adult/older teen, I was riding in Penny's car down the 60 freeway when she enlightened me with the factoid that she and her boyfriend not only smoked pot but did other drugs regularly...and apparently had a lot of sex.

I learned to understand that adults...were human just like me. What a revelation!


I could have been a red neck... or a valley girl.. or a proper girl... or maybe you don't know what I was supposed to be so you let me escape your over sized SUV because you stopped to get gas while I slipped out the back.  That's fine, you'll be fine. I will be better, in fact.

But I will not have mercy on you.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Tidbits - Job Search

I think I'm going to try to just post short random thoughts on here for a while, just to generate content and to keep up with writing.

First random thought:

Changing careers is really hard. It seems like I'm way under qualified or over qualified for every job that is local to me.  Oh and my favorite so far are those listings that go like this:

Company Name
Job Title

Education level required: High School diploma or equivalent.

Experience required: Must have 2 years experience doing all the tasks that we need you to do, if we hire you.

I mean, come on! Really?  On the one hand, I should be able to do this job right after high school, but on the other hand you want me to (basically) have already worked at your company for 2 years.

I GUARANTEE that I could do just about any task I needed to for a typical office job with little or no training, yet I haven't actually worked in an "office" so I sound like an idiot in my interviews.

Head. Desk.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Anxiety, Fear, & Paranoia

Jane began having anxiety at a young age - so young that she didn't even know what anxiety was or that the way she experienced the world was different from other people.  Without words to express what she felt, she internalized a lot of pain and developed certain psychological defense mechanisms usually associated with victims of abuse.  As she got older she learned what to call her affliction and eventually how to cope with it.

It wasn't an easy road to travel, but Jane had always been more introspective than those around her seemed to be. The ability to emotionally sit in the center of conflict and see it from it's various angles grew out of a need to maintain balance amidst the turbulence of family conflict.  She loved them all and so she could see how each one was right...and also wrong, at the same time.  She learned to stay neutral and in doing so was able to offer a different perspective to those in conflict.  With this ability, she began to heal herself as well.

Anxiety is the physical response your body has to fear. I think in a "normal" person anxiety is rare or short-term and in response to things that anyone in their "right" mind would be afraid of.  But some of us have an over-exaggerated fear response because of some trauma we've experienced (and we might not even consciously remember it).  

Jane's anxiety manifested as a knot in her stomach, nausea, elevated heart rate, sweating, and sometimes a lack of focus and even short-term memory loss.  These symptoms would arise at almost any sign of conflict, whether real or imagined.  She suffered silently for years as social situations became difficult and often painful.  

It is not clear when she learned to face her fears, but she developed techniques that have allowed her to cope with these feelings.  She still feels them, but now they don't control her.  

But even with a decade of self-healing under her belt, every so often, some unexpected thing comes along and knocks her right back on her childhood ass.  So she takes a deep breath, makes sure all the doors are locked and the windows are covered, and starts from the beginning again.