What I Want

 (originally published on this blog 8/5/18)

What I want is to be able to build something with someone. I want to open myself up to another person and trust that, even if feelings change, I won't be left feeling abandoned. I want to have a partner who challenges me to be my best self and that wants to grow and change together. I want you to have faith in me and allow me to have faith in you. And if our feelings change, I want us to talk about it and discuss whether anything can be done to improve the situation before we walk away. I want a lover who is also a best friend. I want us to revolve around each other like celestial gods and goddesses among the stars. 

I also want to keep some semblance of myself intact--the part that gives me a sense of identity and that appeals to other people (i.e., you). I want to create something positive and meaningful with my own life separately that is also supported by a life joined with another. Balance. Love. Honesty. No fear.

As much as I want you to be impressed by what I create or what I have done with my life thus far (and how it has led to the person i am now), I also need you to remember that I am just a human being. I will try to remember the same of you.

I want to love. I want to open my heart up so wide that all the fat moms from the "yo mamma is so fat" jokes would fit comfortably inside. I want to shine with love, like a unicorn dancing on a rainbow bridge under a disco ball sun.

I want to live. I want to experience things so that someday (with any luck) we can look back and say, "Remember all the fun things we did together. Remember how much we lived?"

I want to be immortal. I want to leave my mark. I want to have an impact on the world. I want to find meaning within the world while I'm here. I want a partner who will be supportive and encouraging and my biggest fan/cheerleader. And I want to be that for someone else.

Life is Right Now

 (originally published on this blog 3/15/18)

There is a reason that our very first amendment is about the freedom to express, organize, and dissent. Maybe, for the first time, young people are waking up to the reality that "real life" is happening right now and doesn't start after high school, and then after college, and then after the internship, and then after the promotion, and then after retirement. RIGHT NOW is all there is.

From the United States Constitution:

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

My message to young people is to take advantage of your educational opportunities; be a sponge. It's easier to learn and retain information (like learning languages) when you're young. Take advantage of all opportunities to travel and experience different cultures that come your way, no matter how scary they may seem; you WILL survive the experience and be better for it. Take advantage of your youth. Run, climb, dance, sing. Take advantage of your time: if you want to be good at something, you need to practice every single day. Respect yourself: your body is a temple, as they say. Your actions have consequences and make sure you educate yourself and are prepared for the consequences of your actions.

Emotions, Fault, & Responsibility

 (originally published on this blog 2/11/18)

Dear Mother, 

I know we don't always see eye to eye, but despite what you may think, I am concerned for your well-being. Your relationships with your sisters have never been ideal, but its grown so toxic in the past few years and that affects me deeply. I suspect you've always been envious of my bonds with them, probably because it was something you never had with them...or me. I'm sorry we weren't more like the Gilmore Girls with their insane closeness and trust, and I'm sorry that we were EXACTLY like the Gilmore Girls regarding neurotic behavior and extended family dynamics (neither of which I was responsible for, but it was unfortunate, nonetheless). I have always been at the center of the storm that we call family. I don't think you meant to put me there, but I don't think you had the capacity to protect me from it, either. 

The thing about the middle is that it’s easier to see everybody from this perspective. I see the causal links between actions and reactions like a delicate spiderweb spread out before me. Most of our actions are, in fact, reactions to other people, but somehow our minds are too clouded to see it. So, when a thing happens and if affects you and causes you pain, you may view it as an attack and internalize the idea of being a victim because of it. However, these things don't happen in a vacuum. Would you think that a kid was a victim in a fight if you learned he had publicly humiliated his aggressor beforehand? There is a context to every situation that needs to be considered. And in that example, even if the kid had done something to provoke another person, it doesn't make any of it alright; it does, however, illustrate the concept of "fault" versus "responsibility." Like Will Smith pointed out, they are not the same thing, and we need to stop treating them as such. No matter whose fault something is, it doesn't determine how we react to it. We can be responsible for ourselves, no matter what anyone else has done to us or around us.

We are responsible for our own happiness. This may sound cliché, but it's true. I know that you struggle with this a lot, which is why I'm writing this down so that maybe someday I can share some of these words with you. I see how much pain you are in, and I see how your mind is holding you hostage in your pain. Let me share another truth with you: if someone hurts you and you decide to hold on to the anger, hate, and resentment that you feel, it doesn't affect that person AT ALL, but it DOES affect you. You are the one carrying it around inside, letting it weigh you down. In a perfect world, the person at fault would always take responsibility for fixing the problem, but we all know by now that life isn't fair. So why keep holding on to those negative feelings as if they will shoot across the night sky and hit the person, infecting them with some of your pain? It’s not EVER going to happen; to believe otherwise is to delude yourself. 

Our feelings are not weapons to be used against other people; that's not how they work. They are tools, which can help us with our own internal journey of self-improvement.

For The Ones Left Behind

On January 23, 2018, I lost my great aunt Lois. The very next day, on January 24, 2018, I lost a former coworker and friend named Phil.

I've heard comedians joke about the use of the word "lost" to talk about people who have died. It's not like they're missing and we can't find them, so why do we use that word? Maybe it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with how WE feel.  We feel like we've lost something, someone. They are not in fact lost (one hopes). No matter what you believe happens after, the feeling of loss when someone you care about dies is universal. I feel privileged to have had both of these special people in my life.
--------------------------------------

Those with the largest capacity for light

Can suffer the darkness inside twice as bright.

We see each other through "me-colored" glass

And wonder why days like this come to pass.

One would think us connected, with Face glued to Book.

One tremor. One candle flicker. The whole world--It shook.

Then came the "Hellos" and the "So good to see yous"

The "I can't believe its" and (of course) lots of booze.

Together, we reach out to the stars and shout, "Why?!"

They twinkle and whisper, "We love you. Goodbye."

To Have Kids or Not to Have Kids...

I decided not to, at a rather early age. But unlike most people, I barely wavered as I grew older. I did go through a few years where I was open to the idea, but now that door is once again shut (in my mind).

My reasons are straightforward:

1. I grew up with a single mom and it was difficult. I struggled with a lot of things like my identity, knowing right from wrong, and having confidence. I'm not saying everyone's situation is like this, but that's what my experience was like. As I grew up, I knew that I wouldn't intentionally want to have a kid UNLESS there was a stable partner in my life who had the same goals to raise a child with me.  Life happens, and I know there are no guarantees, but I didn't want to start out on what I felt was the wrong foot.
2. Pain. I know I can handle a fair amount of pain, but the whole pain of childbirth thing has always been terrifying to me. There's no reasoning behind it. Women give birth every day and are totally fine. I fear the worst for myself. I want to run and hide in a secret "safe" cave every time I think about the idea. 
3. Referring back to #1, I've had total shit luck with relationships and haven't found that stable partner that I wanted to have kids with.  I had one, briefly, but it also went the way of the dodo. For the record, that was the only time I seriously considered it and was open to it and wasn't totally terrified. I had also been watching the British show "Call the Midwife" and found that seeing so many women go through childbirth unscathed did actually help my attitude. 
4. I'm not trying to say that insanity runs in my family, but they crazy. I come from hoarders who can't show emotion in a healthy way. Add a side of alcoholism, and mix thoroughly. I am more like my grandma in temperament; my mom is not. They say these things skip generations because we are all reacting to the generation before us. With my luck, my child would be another crazy Gemini like my mom. I don't have the energy.
5. I'm pretty damn immature for my age. There are days I don't know how I managed to get myself this far. I know a lot of parents are probably more like this than they should be, but I don't want to be that kind of parent. I feel like I'm still very much in the child role in some ways. But maybe that just naturally changes when you have kids. 
6. I'm not going to be tied to some guy for the rest of my life just because he knocked me up. Nope. Thank you, Roe vs. Wade!

I do have one (very good) reason for having kids. One I cannot deny and would succumb to if all other factors could be dealt with (pain, fear, devoted father figure): passing on that knowledge. I feel that I have a lot to offer the world because of my varied life experience and broad worldview.  However, I can pass this on to other people's kids instead. I can pass this on to non-kids as well.  And I would still be free to keep searching for whatever it is that I don't know I need to find.

Nice Guys/Cool Chicks

Yes, I know. I'm a cool chick. I don't get bent out of shape for small shit. You can get away with a lot more irresponsibility with me than most.  You can drink, smoke (on occasion), or play video games and I will hardly bat an eye.  You can go out with your guy friends on a semi-regular basis and even...dare I say it...have friends who are female.  HOWEVER, This unspoken cool chick contract comes with some provisions.  Don't lie, don't cheat, don't break any federal laws, don't be a dick.  Cuz, I'm not going to do those things.  

I know a lot of guys have this idea that being a "nice guy" is all they need to do.  A few have gone so far as to turn to violence (think shootings and social media blasting) because they were "nice guys" and it didn't work for them.  They were owed. They did the thing. They were nice. And it...didn't work.  Well, ya know what, tough guys?  Being nice is like breathing air.. it's not something we should have to strive for guys to be. They just shouldn't be selfish dicks. Because I get it. You aim to be a nice guy and you still can't get laid.  Maybe it shouldn't have been just about being nice this whole time. 

I want to clarify, I like a nice guy... but he has to also be compatible with me, I have to be attracted to him, etc.  Being nice is not a free pass.  It helps tremendously, but it is not a free pass!

I bring this up because, as a "cool chick", I feel that I've experienced the "nice guy" issue personally.  Now I get it. It's not enough to just be a "cool chick". Some guys are actually more compatible with more controlling or conventional women. OK. That's fine. 

 

Often a guy will think he wants a cool chick but finds it too unstructured and is unhappy. Likewise, a lot of women (tired of dating dicks) will go out with a guy just because "he's nice".  And it's great for a while. Until every conversation turns into an analysis of what was meant by something said or whatever.  

My point, to be clear, is that both Nice guys and Cool Chicks have their place, but we have the hardest time dating.  We want to connect but we end up going outside the conventions of our time.  Which shouldn't be the end of the world. I just think we need to keep looking. Most of us should find someone more compatible with our oddness and subtlety, eventually.

Workey Work Work

Working Title

Drunk. angry, frustrated. depressed. Driving into a wall. another car. ripping my veins open. crying.

I don't want to actually die. I just feel so fucking frustrated. I tried to use some vacation time on a paycheck I should have got last week. I get confused how long the delay is so I forgot. Didn't have any major bills (not ones I could actually pay anyhow) last week so I forgot. This week, paycheck was a little low so I looked at my paycheck online. Yep, no vacation time used this week or last.  In order to get any money, they have to do a pay out.. which is basically a cash advance, only the managers don't call it that.  Since I'm a 20 hour employee I only get to use 4 hours per day of vacation. I didn't know this either, but OK. Should have gotten 80 bucks for two days. Was told I'd be getting 60.  I freaked out a little cuz WTF, seriously? I called HR and asked why $20 tax was being taken out of an $80 payment when that's what's taken out for my regular weekly paycheck of twice as much...  She looked into it. Found out that they estimate tax ahead (by gouging, obviously) so they can pay out immediately. The balance of non-taxed income will appear on next check. yada yada. ok. We shall see.  The HR lady made it sound like they had a check waiting for me at work.. But when I got there they took cash out of a register and I had to sign like 3 forms.  All because a manager didn't do the vacation ahead. sigh.

Now, I got anxiety.. from the bills of course, but once I talked to the HR person I was understanding of the situation and just paid whatever bills I had to pay.  What really got to me was the conversation I had with Manager Marjorie where she relayed a text from the Store Manager... and it gave me major anxiety for about 30 mins. because I have avoided conflict at work thus far for almost 2 years except for one incident that I've gotten past.

And then I was speaking casually with Coworker Moira and she mentioned the Assistant Store Manager has told her she wanted to make her a lead? I am almost twice her age and have more financial issues to take care of.  Plus, outside of music, I'm pretty sure I can run circles around Moira for customer service and where things are and where they go.  If she wants to make a music lead position, that's fair. I'm not in music as often. But ANY other lead.. complete crap.  I work hard. I sweat, I bleed, I deal with obnoxious children, teenagers, and unhygienic adults. 

Yet, I go into debt deeper every month. I hate my life outside of work.  Work doesn't take care of me. It's like a bad boyfriend. I'm happy when I'm with it, but it's not really good for me to grow and succeed. 

Wanted: Giant Hole in the Universe Needs Filling

I can't believe you're gone. I wasn't ready for you to leave. You were a good friend and a formidable enemy. You made the most amazing spinach dip that you served with Hawaiian Bread. We watched all the Harry Potter Movies (that were out at the time) in marathon style over the course of a night...you leaned too far back in the recliner and hit your head...but you were fine...other than your sailor's mouth.

You loved cats and dogs and probably most animals...but especially cats. And you often referred to cool people as "cool cats"... Which was horribly outdated but unmistakeably you.

When I think of you I think of pickles, The Mighty Boosh, and the phrase " it makes me want to bite my toes".

You once threatened my ex boyfriend in an an email and continued to make him nervous when you saw him walking down the street in your shared neighborhood. The town wasn't big enough for both of you. I'm glad you were on my side.

It broke my heart when we weren't friends for a while... But I never really gave up on you...I just waited for when we were more in sync.  And just like that... I reached out and we were friends again. 

I only have one regret. We didn't get to hang out since reconnecting. But if you are out there in the ether paying attention, I remember you fondly..as a sister...as a buddy..as an example to learn from and to give me perspective in life. You were a really bright star that gave a lot of people light in this crazy dark time. If anyone was gonna hang on and be a crazy bodhisattva type ghost, it would be you.

I miss you. I wish I could make sense of losing you.  The universe has a pretty big hole to fill.

For Emily Goodwin

So This is How...

I woke up startled and realized I was floating alone in icy arctic waters.  The fog was so thick I could taste it with the salty sea.  "Not exactly my ideal last meal", I said with a slight groan of contempt. The sound of my own voice was the only noise amidst the silence and eerie creaking of floating ice.  

Absently, I noticed how little air is left in the life jacket, the only thing keeping me alive at that point. I felt around the plastic only to realize my fingers were numb, as well as my feet.  Another basketball sized chunk of ice floated by before I noticed the burning cold in the rest of my body. I would have panicked if I had any warm blood left to help my adrenaline flow.

With no relief in site, I simply continued to float along.  It was too cold to feel anything, even despair.  As the sky began to darken, and my field of vision narrowed to a tunnel, an odd sense of calm set in. 
"Oh", I said to myself, "so this is how I die".

The Guy at the Bar

Let me tell you a story about the day where one guy on a dating website messaged me "can I stick my dick in your ear hole?" And I shared that story with several people because it was ridiculous and I knew they'd laugh or feel sympathy or whatever people do.

That same night I went to late night happy hour at my favorite restaurant bar and some guy started talking to me and so I walked around with him outside the mall and eventually we sat in front. I give you a list of things he said to me:
1. Do you like to watch guys jerk off?
2. Do you think you'd want to be my wing man?
3. Do you have any single friends who just want to have a good time and "want an Asian"?
4. Have you been to a BBW club? (Me: what's that? Him: big beautiful women. Me: um no).
5. He spent quite a while talking about an ex girlfriend that wouldn't put out enough and asked if he was an asshole for breaking up with her but not before he said something like "but don't you think she could just spread her legs and do it anyway because 'men have needs". I was careful to differentiate. Yes, if you have different sexual needs you can leave the relationship. No, she's not your property to fuck as you please regardless of how she feels.
6. 
Him: Are you sure you don't want to watch me jerk off? 
Me: no.
Him: how bout just for 5 minutes? 
Me: no. 
Him: what about 3 minutes?

If it weren't so ridiculous, I might be embarrassed.

Queen

I love queen. It may have began with the Bohemian Rhapsody scene in Wane's World when I was in high school, but I wanted to take this moment to remember and pay tribute to Bill Yourdan, who I got many old cassette tapes from at that time and it contributed to my appreciation of older rock.  A Night at the Opera has become a favorite and I feel pretty confident at  Karaoke when Bohemian Rhapsody comes on... I was watching a video of them performing and I realized that they're probably the only band I haven't seen that I would love to see that I will never get to see. I had sort of written off the Beatles already because they're a slightly different generation.  I still have a chance to see Heart and Morrissey.  I've seen most of the other bands I love.  Freddy Mercury. What a Rock Star!

I Forgot

I saw a few posts here and there about 9/11 and moved past them.  Its not that I'm insensitive to what happened, but I expect  people closer to the crash sites to be more active than someone like me, who didn't even watch it happening on TV that morning 14 years ago.  I hear the tributes, I see the pictures - I can't imagine how much it affected so many people's lives.  But it really didn't affect mine.  I mean, it changed the political landscape of my world forever, and I've had to change the way I pack and plan on removing my shoes when I take flights, but as a relatively average US citizen living in Los Angeles, CA it didn't fucking change much.  

In fact, the night before 9/11/2001 I was hanging out with my boyfriend at the time, lets call him AM.  He was trying out this thing where he was self sufficient in the world with minimal resources even though he actually came from a middle class family.  

That particular night we ended up sleeping in a drainage area (don't get me wrong, it was nicely cemented and relatively clean, just unusual for most people to sleep at), drinking some beers, and having no cares in the world.  The next morning, he headed over to a friends house nearby and was met by the first wave of  hysteria about planes crashing into the world trade center.  At the time, we had no solid facts, and he relayed what he'd heard to me.  We were both in college, sociopolitical activists, vegans, and punk rockers.  I think when we first heard what had happened, it was surreal in a different sense than most people think because we were primed to imagine everything as an act of some revolution that we thought was coming.  But when we took a bus to our college and talked to a local kid we soon realized that it was already being blamed on external terrorism.  

The next few weeks we watched, and read, and researched and I remember believing some crazy theories about what really happened to the towers, the pentagon, the other plane that exploded.  And I know how easy it was for me to latch on to some of these crazy theories.  That's why I understand how hard it can be for other people to this day. Not just about 9/11 conspiracy but everything else. Sometimes we are just looking for a logical neat answer or someone to blame that makes sense.  But in reality, most things happen because of a long string of actions and reactions that are hard to pinpoint.

In my own screwed up way, I remember September 11, 2001 as this day when everything changed, but not in the same way that everyone else does.  I think that was the beginning of the end for my relationship with AM.  He was critical of my drinking (as he should have been) but I took it very hard. I loved him so much. I felt like someone died when he left me.  He was one of those guys that all my friends loved and continued to ask about until years later.  He was special.  I loved him completely, for a time. And then he was gone.

"Feminist" Crap

I just read a post where a guy was complaining about women rejecting men and being friendzoned... On the one hand, I get it. A lot, I mean A LOT of girls simply don't think of guys as having the same feelings as they do because they're guys, and we're raised to think there's this huge innate difference between us.  So we may not always realize how much we hurt them until we get older. We are different, but not so different we need to be raised in two separate worlds like that.  But the other side to that coin is the simple truth that we still live in a society where most males are born with more privilege than most females.  And while most men have never had to alter their lifestyle, plans for the night, or walking path for fear of being raped, most women have.  Bottom line.  A fact.  

So, I'd like to talk about the actual differences between us which lead to our different behaviors.

Even with birth control, accidents can happen.  If we get pregnant, we have to invest 9 months of our lives to carrying a child OR having an abortion.  I'm not arguing pro/con abortion here, just including it as a realistic option.  If we give birth, and survive, we have a choice of raising a child or giving it up for adoption.   We may not realize it, but when we are out at a bar and "slightly greasy bad teeth guy" comes up to us and asks to buy us a drink, we are assessing whether or not he's good genetic material and worth that fucking time and effort and risk.  The standards we have vary across the board, but it doesn't matter. There's always gonna be that one goofball who just doesn't cut the mustard on first impression.  But, it also can take us some time to figure ourselves out and unfortunately, guys will get hurt along the way.  I am ashamed to admit how many hearts I must have left broken in my wake as an adolescent/young adult.  But you hopefully learn lessons and improve yourself and how you treat guys in time.

My advice is to guys is to treat women with the same respect you'd treat any other human being, and if she says no or doesn't treat you well, don't take it personally, don't dwell on it too much, just move on. If you truly like her, you can give it some time and see if things change, BUT not so much time that you lose out on other opportunities.  We are only human, after all. And if she says no more than once, just move on. She's just not that into you, and its unlikely that will change. 

I will say that I hate guys always referring to females as bitches, hoes, etc. There's no need to add that extra layer of derogatory name, except to let me know who the big assholes who don't actually like women are. I think too many guys say they "love women" and aren't totally misogynists, but they don't actually "like" women as people.  

I think the problem with dating is rooted in several things.  We are told that fantastic lie that there is someone out there for everyone and love love stinking love is all you need.  We have an expectation of what a man is supposed to be to us without having a defined standard of what we should be to them in return. The truth is that there is no actual standard for either of us, but we have both imposed an imaginary standard on each other and then are disappointed.

And there are a lot of pent up angry single mothers out there teaching their daughters some fucked up lessons about how to treat guys.  In their defense though, they've been through some shit and have most likely been left to raise a child all by themselves.  Angry single moms often lead to angry daughters who don't always have a good male role model in their lives.  I was one of those, so I know.  It took me longer than my peers to learn some harsh lessons about dating and sex and men and women.  

True Story

I work at a store that sells movies (and not just the $5 bin lame movies but actual hits and box sets and the like) and I was browsing the selection after I'd just clocked out for the day.

Me, to my coworker across the aisle: Man, I really want all the Harry Potter movies but the box set is just too much right now.

Coworker: Ya, I hear that.

Me: I also want all the Star Wars movies.  I don't own any.  I've always dated guys who owned them.  But now, I guess I should buy my own.

Random male customer nearby starts snort laughing which turns into a real hearty laugh.

Me, to the customer: True story!

Where Should I Go?

I don't like being touched by strangers, especially when I'm hot. There are times when everyone is chilling out in the same mental place watching a band and you end up rubbing arms and shoulders and whatever but I'm talking about strangers passing by you, making a path next to you in between you and your friends, and knocking your purse as they pass without any regard.

I find myself relieved to be listening to ignorant and vulgar rap music in the air conditioning over seeing a live band with talent and appeal in the sauna that was the Echo.

Echo park is hard for me. It's been like 5 years since I moved out and left that ex but less than a year since Emily died. And a few weeks ago I ran into my ex's sister here. Just like Covina is hard for me. My recent ex (I don't even like to call him that yet, that's how new and hard it is) knows all the people that work in the craft beer industry.  I don't want to go to Covina, Pomona, Echo park, where am I supposed to go?

What it's like when i try to just sit and do nothing.

It's an itch under my skin that gets worse with each scratch. I fiddle, I twiddle my thumbs. I scratch my palms, alternating hands every couple minutes. My feet never stop reaching for my knees, toes wiggling and grinding together. The dirt under my nails is a constant distraction, almost as much as the tiny cracks along their tips, which lead to my repeatedly tracing the uneven edges with my other finger nails. A hangnail is the bane of my existence sometimes.  The pores on my face itch and cry out to be touched, then weep puss and blood when I do, leaving scabs and scars and shame behind.  I keep looking at my phone and deciding not to bother anybody.  "Why aren't they calling me?" I ask.  Is that a pain in my side and isn't that where the liver is? 

Like is Fleeting

I turn on the computer

Enter my secret passwords

And there you are.

Oh my Facebook friend,

Retweeter,

And Instagram lover.

He "likes" me.

He "likes" me, not.

I think I am in #Like with him.

I hope our Like will last forever.

Then he moves on to Snapchat.

Without me.

Unfriend.

Thoughts on Julia Gulia

One of the most unbelievable scenes in cinematic history:
https://youtu.be/YVmIsJuFOE8

I can't believe any woman in a similar situation would just now be realizing it this far along in the relationship. In fact, how well his name sounds with mine is one of the first things I consider when getting to know someone new. It is second only to my subconscious gut response to the sound of his first name.

One of my grandmother's married names was Judy Judy, after all.