The Violence in the Buddhist "Religion" (unfinished)

I haven't felt compelled to respond directly to an article in a while.  This one caught my eye. Maybe I'll do it more often.

Why are Buddhist monks attacking Muslims?
By Alan Strathern

Of all the moral precepts instilled in Buddhist monks the promise not to kill comes first, and the principle of non-violence is arguably more central to Buddhism than any other major religion. So why have monks been using hate speech against Muslims and joining mobs that have left dozens dead?

Indeed.  If one were to sum up Buddhism as it is understood in the 21st Century by most of the Western World, I would agree.  However, the concept of following the "middle path" is also a key principle of Buddhist teaching and sometimes an individual must decide for themselves whether it is worse to be a victim of violence and allow a threat to overtake a person, community, city, etc. or to actively prevent such violence to occur where a threat is perceived.  The pacifist Ghandi was a Hindu, not a Buddhist.  There are teachings which guide Buddhist practitioners to trust their own judgement when it comes to deciding when it is appropriate to sit and do nothing or take action.  Sometimes, taking action against a threat is the least violent option in the long run.

This is happening in two countries separated by well over 1,000 miles of Indian Ocean - Burma and Sri Lanka. It is puzzling because neither country is facing an Islamist militant threat. Muslims in both places are a generally peaceable and small minority.
In Sri Lanka, the issue of halal slaughter has been a flashpoint. Led by monks, members of the Bodu Bala Sena - the Buddhist Brigade - hold rallies, call for direct action and the boycotting of Muslim businesses, and rail against the size of Muslim families.

Without knowing anything about the Bodu Bala Sena or specific details, I have to wonder right off the bat if the problem is actually a question of dietary morals.  The majority of Buddhist dominant cultures (but not all) emphasize a vegetarian diet as part of the non-violent principle mentioned above.  While Halal slaughter may ease Muslims of any moral dilemma, it does no such thing for Buddhists.

While no Muslims have been killed in Sri Lanka, the Burmese situation is far more serious. Here the antagonism is spearheaded by the 969 group, led by a monk, Ashin Wirathu, who was jailed in 2003 for inciting religious hatred. Released in 2012, he has referred to himself bizarrely as "the Burmese Bin Laden".

For the record, I don't support anyone who likens themselves to Bin Laden, Buddhist or otherwise.  There is another teaching in Buddhism which encourages practitioners to see that their teachers are just humans and prone to imperfection.  They might know A LOT about Buddhism but that doesn't mean you should follow in their footsteps or believe every word that comes out of their mouth.  I believe the exact translation is "If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him".  Which means that even the most seemingly enlightened beings are not 100 % infallible and if they teach you something that goes against common sense or what you know to be right based on your own experience, you don't have to accept it.  In fact, that statement encourages students to constantly question what they are being taught, thereby becoming teachers to the teacher.  The real lesson is, don't accept any one source as the only source and trust your instincts if it doesn't feel right.

March saw an outbreak of mob violence directed against Muslims in the town of Meiktila, in central Burma, which left at least 40 dead.
Tellingly, the violence began in a gold shop. The movements in both countries exploit a sense of economic grievance - a religious minority is used as the scapegoat for the frustrated aspirations of the majority.

At least in the West, our understanding of Buddhism is still so immature that I hope  this doesn't lead to a huge backlash against the positive aspects of it as a psychological/philosophical worldview.  The quote above is clearly addressing a local issue where Buddhism is viewed as a major religion with its own dogma and rituals as adopted by a specific culture.  I can't emphasize enough how this specific culture's adaptation of Buddhism is NOT the same as any other Buddhism elsewhere.  The nature of Buddhism, and all religious philosophy in fact, is to travel and be adapted into any native cultures it comes into contact with.  Which is why the Buddhism of Tibet is completely different than the "Chan" of China and the "Zen" of Japan. They are all based on the same teachings.

On Tuesday, Buddhist mobs attacked mosques and burned more than 70 homes in Oakkan, north of Rangoon, after a Muslim girl on a bicycle collided with a monk. One person died and nine were injured.
But aren't Buddhist monks meant to be the good guys of religion?
Aggressive thoughts are inimical to all Buddhist teachings. Buddhism even comes equipped with a practical way to eliminate them. Through meditation the distinction between your feelings and those of others should begin to dissolve, while your compassion for all living things grows.

There are no "Good Guys", just guys.  Imperfect human guys, who might have grown up with some version of Buddhism as their religion and when push came to shove, they chose to shove.  Just because they call themselves Buddhist doesn't mean they are.  And if they are, they are only human.

Of course, there is a strong strain of pacifism in Christian teachings too: "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you," were the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount.

Exactly.  No matter what religion or philosophy you turn to, there are words of comfort and positivity in the teachings, or else you wouldn't keep practicing it.

But however any religion starts out, sooner or later it enters into a Faustian pact with state power. Buddhist monks looked to kings, the ultimate wielders of violence, for the support, patronage and order that only they could provide. Kings looked to monks to provide the popular legitimacy that only such a high moral vision can confer.
The result can seem ironic. If you have a strong sense of the overriding moral superiority of your worldview, then the need to protect and advance it can seem the most important duty of all.
Christian crusaders, Islamist militants, or the leaders of "freedom-loving nations", all justify what they see as necessary violence in the name of a higher good. Buddhist rulers and monks have been no exception.

Unfortunately, this is correct.  But, I take heart in the fact that the original teachings of the Buddha have not been as politically decimated as the Christian bible. Since I know that each translation of the Koran is supposed to have the original text in Arabic written with it, I would predict that it is fairly accurate to its historical origin.  Each religion has been integrated into any cultures it came across in different ways resulting in the modern idea of many "sects".  The Buddhists of Tibet are as different from those of Sri Lanka as the Muslims from Iran are from those in Afghanistan.  This is because each culture has integrated with these religions and now cultural distinctions are considered normal parts of the religion in question.

Science vs. Religion, part 1

Where to begin?  I am a scientist, by nature. I use logic and trial and error and my 5 senses to come to conclusions about the world.  However, I do not consider myself an atheist.  I'm not a Christian either.  I try to have ideas about what I don't know, not beliefs.  Atheists believe in the reality that there is no God, no spirit, no things which we cannot explain with science.  I'm somewhere near that, but as a generalist (in general), I just can't commit to that extreme either. I am open to possibility.  This doesn't mean I'm going to agree with something that is contrary to what I know to be true; it means that there are a lot of things we humans still don't know about the nature of reality and I don't claim to know the answers either.

This is important to understand because I feel very strongly that Christianity (or any fundamentalist religious group) has no business in science.  They are mutually exclusive. They are as different as the subjects of Economics and Music are in school. You're a private Christian school and you want to teach that Genesis is literal?  Fine. I disagree with it, but you have that right to teach it in your school.  But to call any of it science is ludicrous!

Science is a subject in its own right. It wasn't "created" by scientists to prove their beliefs. If anything it is a language for scientists to express what they "discover" about the world.  It's like Math.  Humans needed a way to express the idea of quantity.  For example: I collected 10 oranges and you would like to eat 2 of them but I want 3 lemons in exchange.  A system of numbers was created to express quantity.  As culture became more complex, so did our need to express numbers and therefore we developed algebra and geometry and calculus.  We didn't just make the shit up on a whim.  Science didn't just get pulled out of some scientist's ass either.

The problem I have is two-fold.  1. Children are not getting an adequate education to go out into the world and be functioning rational adults, able to have positive discourse with anyone outside of their own worldview.  This limits their potential for growth as a human being, in my opinion.  This process of controlling what a child learns and has access to is a way of controlling their minds in general so they grow up to not question anything, even when it is blatantly in conflict with their own self-interest. This happens in public school as well, but these children have access to ideas outside of what they are being taught as "true".

This leads to... 2.  Adults who have been brainwashed into thinking science is a religion and that all scientists are Atheists and that anyone who questions THEIR beliefs is an Atheist.  None of which are true.  It is the very heart of science to be logical and to question everything but when you have been taught that science is based on belief, you can dismiss it easily and insert whatever hair-brained idea you have in its place.  The fact that I can't have a rational conversation with a particular segment of humanity because they are teaching their children OUT RIGHT LIES is heartbreaking.

I'm not arguing that public school is perfect or that science is the only way to experience the world.  I am arguing that science should be taught as simply "science" in whatever school it is taught.  Teach Intelligent Design on its own, if you must. Teach your class on Genesis and enjoy yourself... but they have no business in science.  And if you just refuse to teach kids about evolution as science, go ahead and call it a "theory" if that helps you sleep at night.  Just please, PLEASE teach it in a SCIENCE class.

Facelift

This blog has served many purposes for me over the years, but I think it needs to evolve even further.  Therefore, I've changed the design to make it a little more "grown up" and reader friendly.  This change reflects my desire to jump into the fire of the blogosphere more seriously.

Expect some changes, as they are inevitable in life...and in this blog.

Facebook Status, part 1

A Facebook "friend" of mine, who I went to high school with, posted this as her status: 

PRAYER REPORT:
A few weeks ago i asked you all to join me in prayer as i began seeking employment and i'v keept you updated as i did testing and interviews and im now happy to say that i am being sought after by both the lancaster and palmdale school districts this past week i filled out new hire paperwork for palmdale (there sub position) while doing that i got a call from lancaster offering me a job at one of there school after i went too pick up there paper work i checked my email an had recived an email from palmdale requseting a final interview with me for there permanent position.GOD IS GOOD. I went from havingno job for a lilover 2 yrs to having 2 1/2 job offers the power of prayer is strong an to say thank you to all who kept praying with seems almost ungreatful cuz i cant thank you enough words cant explain how much i appreciate each an every one of you I LOVE YOU & AM BLESSED TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE

I have come to learn that the majority of my former classmates are now religious to some degree, and although it can be annoying to me as a non religious person, I accept it and respect that they gotta do what they gotta do to make it through the day.  I'm not putting down prayer or faith here.  But I would like to just point out that she clearly states that she has been "seeking employment" and doing "testing and interviews" at the beginning, but by the end she has attributed all of her "luck" to prayer and God.  Maybe the prayers got her the job offers, I believe anything is possible, but when someone puts effort into their goal and is rewarded, I don't think that is on par with divine intervention.  Now, if she had been sitting on her ass NOT even looking for a job and two different employers called to offer her work, I could almost believe that someone above was helping her out.

The prayer thing isn't even what I find disturbing about this though.  I haven't seen this person since high school (almost 20 years ago.. gasp) but I'm fairly certain her grammar and vocabulary were not that different from mine when we were there.  I am a product of the same school system and neighborhood as this person, yet every single thing she writes on her Facebook is misspelled, non-punctuated, grammatically incorrect and full of slang.  I love slang, don't get me wrong. But as a lover of the written word, her Facebook posts drive me up a frickin' wall.  The sample I shared above is actually NOT THAT BAD compared to most of what I have seen.  I usually have to stop reading after about 5 words because it is just too painful to continue.  And the kicker is: she's getting job offers to work in a school district...apparently substitute teaching.  Maybe, if we all pray hard enough, she won't end up subbing in an English class.

Six Days (rough draft)

Six days. It took six days for the tears to come; To feel anything for certain.  I was starting to wonder if I’d ever cry over my grandmother’s death. 

A single sympathy card arrived today; I don’t expect any others.  It was from the woman who had petitioned to take over legal guardianship over her decision making.  A woman named Christy who I owe an enormous debt of gratitude, even though it may have mostly been “part of the job” for her.  I still don’t think I could handle dealing with any of it right now. 

She was my father’s mother, but I never really knew my father. That made things awkward sometimes.  Her name was Judy and her first husband’s last name was Judy and that is probably the only funny thing about this story.  Her married name was Judy Judy or Judy (squared) as I joked with her many years ago after she told me this tale.  How horribly comedic and yet, somehow tragic, because she married an alcoholic and her only son became a drug addict. 

Years later, the year 2004 in fact, she was so bitter about her earlier life decisions that she made no secret of her regret for marrying this man and having this child.  I had just graduated college at the time, and even my optimism waned at this profession of honesty.  I heard my grandmother say she wished she never had my father…

Of course, to understand how conflicted I may have felt at the time, I need to back up to my mother.  She did the best she could with what options she had, of that I’m certain, and I want to be clear that my tale shouldn’t cast blame on anyone.  But when I was young, she lied about who my dad was.  I was very confused.  When I was about ten, this woman showed up in my life who claimed to be my dad’s mother, and I guess it was true because from that point on, this women who I have always called Judy, and not grandma, was to be a part of my life. 

Judy wanted to be involved but her son never did.  Later on, I learned that my mom didn’t want him around and I respected that.  Even later, I learned that he had other kids with other women.  I have a brother and a sister whom I’ve never met. Weird.

Fast forward to High School Graduation.  I took my first major trip alone by train up to Oregon to visit Judy.  It was a lot of fun. She was still very active and in reasonably good spirits and she had this great apartment overlooking a river.  I will never forget how awesome that trip was.  If you’ve ever been to Oregon, you will understand how lush and amazing it can be in the right season. 

After that, I went to college and took way too long to get a bachelor’s degree (even though nobody seemed to care how long it took).  I took another trip up to visit her after I graduated and had landed my first real job.  This time, her son had been living with her for a while and was trying to get sober and sorted out. He had lost custody of both of his other children because of drug abuse.  When I made my plans to visit, Judy made him find somewhere else to go for the week.  This is the trip where she expressed negative views on marriage and having kids and to be honest, the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.  I left there feeling like I didn’t know if I wanted to keep in touch with her or not.

My dad died in July of 2011. I remember it well because it was my last week at a particularly important job.  I had met him for the first time since I was a small child in the beginning of that year.  We only spent a short time together and it was mostly conversation deflected at the guy I brought along with me, but still… I’m glad I got to.

Without him as her caretaker, Judy’s health and well being deteriorated.  She lost almost everything and ended up being moved all over the place to the point that I lost track of her for a few months.  When I found her again, she insisted on going back to Salem, Oregon.

I agreed to drive her and her cat up there and help her find a place to live.  This turned out to be one of the single hardest journeys of my life.  I have never had to take care of another person for any length of time and all of a sudden I was renting a car, driving, making hotel arrangements, getting the wheelchair in and out of the car every time she got out, loading and unloading ALL the bags (plus the cat, catbox, food, etc.), helping her get in and out of the car, helping her go to the bathroom, dealing with adult diapers and all that entails, dealing with bathing, helping her get dressed, researching what living arrangement options she had, trying to figure out what to do. Meanwhile the whole trip up the cat was unhappy and shitting in his carrier, so ya - I had to clean cat shit up before we even got to the first hotel… HARDEST FUCKING JOURNEY TO DATE.

I finally found a place that would take her and that she agreed with, and we parted ways.  I went back a couple days later to check in and things were ok.  I headed back to California and spoke with her once or twice after that.  It became clear to me that it wouldn’t be easy to contact her and I admit that I lost the motivation after a while… then someone else stepped in, in a legal capacity. 

That pretty much brings us up to date.  She was in hospice care last week.  She died on Monday, February 11, 2012.  She was married twice, had one son with her first husband and has 3 grandchildren.  Her name was Judy Hauser.

You Win Some. You Lose Some.

It seems my role in life is usually relegated to that of translator, diplomat, & guide.  I don’t mind it, but I also wish people could see where I come from as easily as I see it myself.  I find the best advice is that which is random and taken out of context.  In fact, one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received professionally is, “you win some, you lose some”.  Try applying that when you have a tendency toward insanely detailed perfectionism.

Today I had a conversation with someone who I am just getting to know.  I really like our interaction so far. I feel like this is a person who I “get” in many ways because he reminds me of myself.  He recently shared an experience of “feeling something inside him break” and he came into work announcing that he wasn't going to let anything get to him.  I’m not sure that he realized how big of a deal that was.  I got a chance to tell him so today.  We vaguely talked about our issues and I tried to explain how my understanding of Buddhism has really helped me understand my own social anxiety issues and helped me cope and how the experience he had was one that many people are willing to pay for; the experience of letting go of what we can’t control and accepting that the only thing that’s real is the here and now. 

He wants to get a tattoo that reminds me of some Buddhist philosophy, but was, in fact, Greek origin and I said something to the effect of “Truth is truth no matter what the origin”.  This, of course, reminds me of how I came into Buddhism. 

I grew up in a “liberal” Catholic family with some treks to the Lutheran church my great grandmother attended.  We were a family that accepted the Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Mary, Saints, evolution, ESP, auras, horoscopes, and reincarnation.  Yeah, we were not your typical Catholics.  So I felt free to explore and I remember becoming very disgruntled at an early age. In fact, I was so distraught by my philosophical musings that by the age of 9 I had decided I was an atheist.  In high school I grasped for meaning and belonging and tried to find my place anywhere that was what I considered “anti-christian”: Satanism and paganism.  My resources were limited. I fell in with people and ideas that were part of an agenda more so than anything real on my end.  But it was never serious.  I think in high school, religion was not that big of a concern so I wanted to be evil because it was the anti to what I was angry at as a younger person, but I didn't really understand enough about it.

In college, I finally had some real experience with some of those groups. I got involved online with a group of Satanists (Church of Satan, not “devil worshipers") and I learned rather quickly that I did not really fit in with them either. I explored aspects of paganism at this time as well. While I agreed with the basic principles and desired the aspect of ritual and community, I couldn't find a place there either.

It wasn't until I took a class called Philosophy and Religion of India that everything came together and became clear to me.  Now, I admit I had somewhat of preference for non-American culture at the time.  I had traveled to England, Scotland and France and loved it immensely.  But, I never sought out Eastern Philosophy during my soul searching days of yore. 

Have you ever had the experience of knowing that you have learned something new and it was amazing?  Like a light went on in your mind where there was just darkness?  That’s one kind of learning experience - and I've had a few of those as well.  But in this class, I had an experience altogether different. 

When I began reading what the basic tenants of Buddhism were, in the context of it’s Hindu origins, I had the experience of: “Ahah!  This is how to articulate what I already know to be true about life”. Not: “this is new information”.  It was odd to find a language to express these deep sentiments and feelings about life after searching and giving up and just feeling so lost.  This also gave me a language to understand and discuss Western religion for the first time.  For the first time ever I understood that the religion I had grown up with had a historical context and that I could understand that context and appreciate the message instead of feeling constricted by ideals.

If anything, this experience reinforced one of the Buddha’s teachings that I came to hear much later. “If you see the Buddha in the road, kill him”.  What this means to me is that you shouldn't take a person’s claims to be enlightened at face value, but also that our expectations of “the Buddha” will cloud our judgment and it’s possible that we've already come fact to face with that “being” a million times without realizing it.  “kill him” is not to be taken literally.  It means, destroy the concept in your mind of this perfect “enlightened” being you call the Buddha, because he only exists in your mind.  It also refers to who we accept as our teachers.  If we take on a teacher, they are not Gods.  They make mistakes and that doesn't change the teachings.  Just as a teaching can be wrong.  If a teacher or teaching goes against what you KNOW in your heart to be true, maybe the teacher or teaching is wrong. 

What I just realized as I type this is that Buddhism, for me, has been a way for me to learn to trust myself. To trust my instincts about life.  And you know what?  I am rarely wrong.

Korean Tofu Soft Tacos

Inspired by another recipe for Korean Tofu Tacos, I whipped this up for brunch this morning and it was quite delicious!  I didn't measure ingredients because although much of the time cooking is a science, it is also an art!  

I started with approx. 8 oz. of firm tofu (half a standard sized package) and the basting liquid came out to about 1/4 C.

Blend the following in order, to taste (should be balanced between sweet, salty, tangy, and spicy):

-Brown sugar (start with 1 Tbsp and add other stuff to taste)

-Rice vinegar

-Bragg’s Liquid Aminos (or Soy Sauce)

-Garlic chili sauce (Vietnamese)

You should make just enough to baste the tofu.

Cut Firm tofu into ½” thick slabs, pat them dry in a paper towel or clean cloth towel and then brown in a skillet, with or without olive oil or non-stick spray.  Spoon the sauce over the tofu and spread it evenly on the top side.  When tofu has started to brown, flip it over and repeat, generously covering the top of the tofu. Cook until liquid is absorbed.

Heat a flour tortilla, spread a scant amount of Veganaise on it, layer some lettuce leaves, sweet onion slices and Mexican pickled carrots with a few tofu slabs, fold it, eat it, yum!

Breakfast Frittata Quesadilla

Breakfast Frittata Quesadilla
(makes one large quesadilla for 1-2 people)

Step 1:
1/2 C chopped onion (I use Maui sweet)
1 C (approx.) chopped cauliflower
handful of chopped mushrooms (optional)

Sautee these in a skillet on medium heat until cauliflower is tender. Reduce heat to medium-low.

Step 2:
2 eggs
1 tsp Smoked Paprika (or to taste after you've made the recipe once)
dashes each of garlic powder, salt, and pepper

Blend together well, then add to the skillet, covering all the veggies. Cook on medium-low heat until set or you can flip sections over to cook the underside.

Step 3:
when the eggs are almost done heat up two flour tortillas (I use the "soft taco" size). I use a griddle pan which makes this easy: Start with one Tortilla, melt a layer of cheese, add the egg and veggie mix, another layer of cheese, the other tortilla. Press with Spatula until melty, flip and toast the other side for a minute...Voila!

Top it with avocado or salsa. Best eaten with a knife and fork, in my opinion.

Changing careers is imminent.

Then I watch DR. WHO and feel good about being alive....  and I watch Warehouse 13 and wondering about changing careers...

F U BOOK!

Facebook is a “social network” but I don’t think people think much about what that means.  The first mistake is calling everyone you add to you social network your “friend”. This causes a lot of awkward situations when people invariably opt to “unfriend” people for various reasons, most of them not reflecting any real relationship status.  For example, suppose I added someone that I barely knew to begin with or someone that I hadn’t spoken to or seen in 20 years AND after receiving their “news feed” consisting of daily updates on what they’ve had for breakfast, lunch, or dinner – I might decide that I don’t really care about keeping in touch after all.

Facebook is basically 1 part novelty, 1 part nostalgia, 1 part networking, 1 part keeping in touch with people you give two craps about but don’t have time to talk to on a regular basis, and 1 part communicating with your actual friends and family.  Once the novelty of seeing how your best friend or arch nemesis from high school has been doing all these years wears off, you are left with a hollow feeling because as an older, wiser person you probably care more about real relationships than you did back then.  And it takes a while to sink in, so for a while you keep repeating the process because each new “old acquaintance” you rekindle fills the void left by the last one who left you high and dry mid-comment thread.

The other major mistake that Facebook users make is thinking that interacting on Facebook REPLACES maintaining real friendships in the real world.  Some people (myself included) need body language and voice inflection or a whole damn lot of chat time with someone to UNDERSTAND what they are communicating.  If we don’t have these things, conversations can turn nasty in an instant when people misunderstand one another, ESPECIALLY with people you feel particularly close to.  This leads to people being offended by off-hand remarks and differences of opinion, because in the real world, timing is everything, and you’d know when to keep your mouth shut by the look on someone’s face.

Katrianne (my blood-elf rogue), wearing beer goggles at Brewfest...

At a certain point, I decided to stop taking Facebook so seriously.  I mean, I have tried to “use it” for my own purposes and discovered that it is alive and has its own agenda.  So every time I see someone’s status that says “If you don’t want me to delete you from my friends…do this…” or “I know nobody will repost this because you don’t care about children dying of AIDS..” or whatever, I IGNORE IT COMPLETELY.  Because, that’s NOT why I am on Facebook… I don’t need to advertize myself because people aren’t going to understand who I really am anyways.  I’m not selling myself because nobody is there to buy my product anyways.  I’ve already caught up with the 20 people that don’t hate me from high school and I’ve managed to find peace with the fact that one of my ex-best friends in real life “unfriended” me on Facebook and real life because of a comment thread… on, you guessed it, Facebook! 

I’m tired of taking it personally when that cute guy that you have a great rapport with in person doesn’t even respond to your personal messages anymore.  I’m tired of seeing my friend with a small child post shit on Facebook every day and then turn around and NEVER respond to any messages I send her.  I’m tired of family getting offended if I say Fuck on my page. I’m tired of feeling like I have to hide my true personality for fear of offending someone who hardly ever gives me two seconds of their time in real life.  And I’m tired of hearing other people complain about Facebook drama. 

As someone who has at one time or another felt betrayed, abandoned, ridiculed, misunderstood, and yes… even offended, by people’s public displays of idiocy and carelessness with words on Facebook, I just don’t care anymore.  I think I’ll go outside and feel the wind in my hair or maybe even read a book.

Dreams, psyche, and stuff.

On Friday night I had many a dream.  One such dream was that a man I believe to be good and considerate was, in fact, an asshole.  I must have mixed him up in my psyche with this character from family guy I saw that evening.  When I woke, I was disturbed for a minute then I realized it was just a dream.  I also dreamt that I went to lunch with an ex coworker that I barely knew, Julia, and we were heading back to work (the museum). Although the surroundings were familiar, they weren’t near the museum.  So here is Julia, cool and calm in her heels, crossing a five way intersection with no crosswalk and I’m nervous.  Julia and I also walked past a tiny two story apartment and I realized I had been there before.  Another friend, Maria, came into being at that point and said she recognized it too because she had been there at a party the night before.  I thought it was crazy how much she knew about the stuff happening around me.  She made a comment about how she “gets around”.

I have a confession of sorts. A few months ago, I started paying attention to this guy I barely know but who is my Facebook "friend". I didn't have the guts to talk to him until recently.  And even so, it wasn't until I was drinking one night that I managed to write and say “Hey, we have stuff in common. We should hang out.”  He responded enthusiastically, which is awesome.  There are a lot of things I have learned over the past few years. One of them is that I do better with organic relationships (meaning the kind that just happen because of circumstance as opposed to the kind you go looking for on purpose like dating sites).  He reminds me of that.  Because we know each other from a real world situation and have many friends in common, i think we would have hung out at some point, even if I hadn't sent that email.

I have been thinking about how much my last real boyfriend affected me.  Sure, I have dated people in the last 3 years, but really, I haven’t had a committed relationship since then.  When I left my ex, I realized I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I didn’t know what kind of music I liked, movies I liked, decorative style I had, among other things.  And when I left that relationship I was definitely scarred on the inside. All the things that he was into became a symbol of things I didn't want to do anymore because I needed to find myself.  In many ways, I went the complete opposite just to get away from the memories.  But now as I enter into a friendship with someone who doesn't remind me of my ex at all but is into ALL the same stuff, I feel it may be time to let go of that boundary I set for myself.  It is time I healed that wound.

After a time I accepted the reality that I may not get married.  I am not against it, but I’ve never been one of those girls who sought it out either.  I also don’t seek out having kids.  That’s not to say I don’t see the value in the experience of raising children or deny that I would consider having kids with the right man.  I just don’t want to be a single mother.  Sue me.

A guy once commented on how much I liked to cook. I feel pretty domestic at times.  He felt that my attitude of liking to cook, especially for a guy, was a reflection of oppressiveness.  I tried to explain that when I cook I feel in tune with women in my family (and women from the beginning of time) because my family is matriarchal.  We’re a very creative bunch and I feel I’m communicating creatively and artistically by cooking and crafting and anything else I do at home.