Nice Guys/Cool Chicks

Yes, I know. I'm a cool chick. I don't get bent out of shape for small shit. You can get away with a lot more irresponsibility with me than most.  You can drink, smoke (on occasion), or play video games and I will hardly bat an eye.  You can go out with your guy friends on a semi-regular basis and even...dare I say it...have friends who are female.  HOWEVER, This unspoken cool chick contract comes with some provisions.  Don't lie, don't cheat, don't break any federal laws, don't be a dick.  Cuz, I'm not going to do those things.  

I know a lot of guys have this idea that being a "nice guy" is all they need to do.  A few have gone so far as to turn to violence (think shootings and social media blasting) because they were "nice guys" and it didn't work for them.  They were owed. They did the thing. They were nice. And it...didn't work.  Well, ya know what, tough guys?  Being nice is like breathing air.. it's not something we should have to strive for guys to be. They just shouldn't be selfish dicks. Because I get it. You aim to be a nice guy and you still can't get laid.  Maybe it shouldn't have been just about being nice this whole time. 

I want to clarify, I like a nice guy... but he has to also be compatible with me, I have to be attracted to him, etc.  Being nice is not a free pass.  It helps tremendously, but it is not a free pass!

I bring this up because, as a "cool chick", I feel that I've experienced the "nice guy" issue personally.  Now I get it. It's not enough to just be a "cool chick". Some guys are actually more compatible with more controlling or conventional women. OK. That's fine. 

 

Often a guy will think he wants a cool chick but finds it too unstructured and is unhappy. Likewise, a lot of women (tired of dating dicks) will go out with a guy just because "he's nice".  And it's great for a while. Until every conversation turns into an analysis of what was meant by something said or whatever.  

My point, to be clear, is that both Nice guys and Cool Chicks have their place, but we have the hardest time dating.  We want to connect but we end up going outside the conventions of our time.  Which shouldn't be the end of the world. I just think we need to keep looking. Most of us should find someone more compatible with our oddness and subtlety, eventually.

Workey Work Work

Working Title

Drunk. angry, frustrated. depressed. Driving into a wall. another car. ripping my veins open. crying.

I don't want to actually die. I just feel so fucking frustrated. I tried to use some vacation time on a paycheck I should have got last week. I get confused how long the delay is so I forgot. Didn't have any major bills (not ones I could actually pay anyhow) last week so I forgot. This week, paycheck was a little low so I looked at my paycheck online. Yep, no vacation time used this week or last.  In order to get any money, they have to do a pay out.. which is basically a cash advance, only the managers don't call it that.  Since I'm a 20 hour employee I only get to use 4 hours per day of vacation. I didn't know this either, but OK. Should have gotten 80 bucks for two days. Was told I'd be getting 60.  I freaked out a little cuz WTF, seriously? I called HR and asked why $20 tax was being taken out of an $80 payment when that's what's taken out for my regular weekly paycheck of twice as much...  She looked into it. Found out that they estimate tax ahead (by gouging, obviously) so they can pay out immediately. The balance of non-taxed income will appear on next check. yada yada. ok. We shall see.  The HR lady made it sound like they had a check waiting for me at work.. But when I got there they took cash out of a register and I had to sign like 3 forms.  All because a manager didn't do the vacation ahead. sigh.

Now, I got anxiety.. from the bills of course, but once I talked to the HR person I was understanding of the situation and just paid whatever bills I had to pay.  What really got to me was the conversation I had with Manager Marjorie where she relayed a text from the Store Manager... and it gave me major anxiety for about 30 mins. because I have avoided conflict at work thus far for almost 2 years except for one incident that I've gotten past.

And then I was speaking casually with Coworker Moira and she mentioned the Assistant Store Manager has told her she wanted to make her a lead? I am almost twice her age and have more financial issues to take care of.  Plus, outside of music, I'm pretty sure I can run circles around Moira for customer service and where things are and where they go.  If she wants to make a music lead position, that's fair. I'm not in music as often. But ANY other lead.. complete crap.  I work hard. I sweat, I bleed, I deal with obnoxious children, teenagers, and unhygienic adults. 

Yet, I go into debt deeper every month. I hate my life outside of work.  Work doesn't take care of me. It's like a bad boyfriend. I'm happy when I'm with it, but it's not really good for me to grow and succeed. 

Wanted: Giant Hole in the Universe Needs Filling

I can't believe you're gone. I wasn't ready for you to leave. You were a good friend and a formidable enemy. You made the most amazing spinach dip that you served with Hawaiian Bread. We watched all the Harry Potter Movies (that were out at the time) in marathon style over the course of a night...you leaned too far back in the recliner and hit your head...but you were fine...other than your sailor's mouth.

You loved cats and dogs and probably most animals...but especially cats. And you often referred to cool people as "cool cats"... Which was horribly outdated but unmistakeably you.

When I think of you I think of pickles, The Mighty Boosh, and the phrase " it makes me want to bite my toes".

You once threatened my ex boyfriend in an an email and continued to make him nervous when you saw him walking down the street in your shared neighborhood. The town wasn't big enough for both of you. I'm glad you were on my side.

It broke my heart when we weren't friends for a while... But I never really gave up on you...I just waited for when we were more in sync.  And just like that... I reached out and we were friends again. 

I only have one regret. We didn't get to hang out since reconnecting. But if you are out there in the ether paying attention, I remember you fondly..as a sister...as a buddy..as an example to learn from and to give me perspective in life. You were a really bright star that gave a lot of people light in this crazy dark time. If anyone was gonna hang on and be a crazy bodhisattva type ghost, it would be you.

I miss you. I wish I could make sense of losing you.  The universe has a pretty big hole to fill.

For Emily Goodwin

So This is How...

I woke up startled and realized I was floating alone in icy arctic waters.  The fog was so thick I could taste it with the salty sea.  "Not exactly my ideal last meal", I said with a slight groan of contempt. The sound of my own voice was the only noise amidst the silence and eerie creaking of floating ice.  

Absently, I noticed how little air is left in the life jacket, the only thing keeping me alive at that point. I felt around the plastic only to realize my fingers were numb, as well as my feet.  Another basketball sized chunk of ice floated by before I noticed the burning cold in the rest of my body. I would have panicked if I had any warm blood left to help my adrenaline flow.

With no relief in site, I simply continued to float along.  It was too cold to feel anything, even despair.  As the sky began to darken, and my field of vision narrowed to a tunnel, an odd sense of calm set in. 
"Oh", I said to myself, "so this is how I die".

The Guy at the Bar

Let me tell you a story about the day where one guy on a dating website messaged me "can I stick my dick in your ear hole?" And I shared that story with several people because it was ridiculous and I knew they'd laugh or feel sympathy or whatever people do.

That same night I went to late night happy hour at my favorite restaurant bar and some guy started talking to me and so I walked around with him outside the mall and eventually we sat in front. I give you a list of things he said to me:
1. Do you like to watch guys jerk off?
2. Do you think you'd want to be my wing man?
3. Do you have any single friends who just want to have a good time and "want an Asian"?
4. Have you been to a BBW club? (Me: what's that? Him: big beautiful women. Me: um no).
5. He spent quite a while talking about an ex girlfriend that wouldn't put out enough and asked if he was an asshole for breaking up with her but not before he said something like "but don't you think she could just spread her legs and do it anyway because 'men have needs". I was careful to differentiate. Yes, if you have different sexual needs you can leave the relationship. No, she's not your property to fuck as you please regardless of how she feels.
6. 
Him: Are you sure you don't want to watch me jerk off? 
Me: no.
Him: how bout just for 5 minutes? 
Me: no. 
Him: what about 3 minutes?

If it weren't so ridiculous, I might be embarrassed.

Queen

I love queen. It may have began with the Bohemian Rhapsody scene in Wane's World when I was in high school, but I wanted to take this moment to remember and pay tribute to Bill Yourdan, who I got many old cassette tapes from at that time and it contributed to my appreciation of older rock.  A Night at the Opera has become a favorite and I feel pretty confident at  Karaoke when Bohemian Rhapsody comes on... I was watching a video of them performing and I realized that they're probably the only band I haven't seen that I would love to see that I will never get to see. I had sort of written off the Beatles already because they're a slightly different generation.  I still have a chance to see Heart and Morrissey.  I've seen most of the other bands I love.  Freddy Mercury. What a Rock Star!