Wanted: Giant Hole in the Universe Needs Filling

I can't believe you're gone. I wasn't ready for you to leave. You were a good friend and a formidable enemy. You made the most amazing spinach dip that you served with Hawaiian Bread. We watched all the Harry Potter Movies (that were out at the time) in marathon style over the course of a night...you leaned too far back in the recliner and hit your head...but you were fine...other than your sailor's mouth.

You loved cats and dogs and probably most animals...but especially cats. And you often referred to cool people as "cool cats"... Which was horribly outdated but unmistakeably you.

When I think of you I think of pickles, The Mighty Boosh, and the phrase " it makes me want to bite my toes".

You once threatened my ex boyfriend in an an email and continued to make him nervous when you saw him walking down the street in your shared neighborhood. The town wasn't big enough for both of you. I'm glad you were on my side.

It broke my heart when we weren't friends for a while... But I never really gave up on you...I just waited for when we were more in sync.  And just like that... I reached out and we were friends again. 

I only have one regret. We didn't get to hang out since reconnecting. But if you are out there in the ether paying attention, I remember you fondly..as a sister...as a buddy..as an example to learn from and to give me perspective in life. You were a really bright star that gave a lot of people light in this crazy dark time. If anyone was gonna hang on and be a crazy bodhisattva type ghost, it would be you.

I miss you. I wish I could make sense of losing you.  The universe has a pretty big hole to fill.

For Emily Goodwin

So This is How...

I woke up startled and realized I was floating alone in icy arctic waters.  The fog was so thick I could taste it with the salty sea.  "Not exactly my ideal last meal", I said with a slight groan of contempt. The sound of my own voice was the only noise amidst the silence and eerie creaking of floating ice.  

Absently, I noticed how little air is left in the life jacket, the only thing keeping me alive at that point. I felt around the plastic only to realize my fingers were numb, as well as my feet.  Another basketball sized chunk of ice floated by before I noticed the burning cold in the rest of my body. I would have panicked if I had any warm blood left to help my adrenaline flow.

With no relief in site, I simply continued to float along.  It was too cold to feel anything, even despair.  As the sky began to darken, and my field of vision narrowed to a tunnel, an odd sense of calm set in. 
"Oh", I said to myself, "so this is how I die".

The Guy at the Bar

Let me tell you a story about the day where one guy on a dating website messaged me "can I stick my dick in your ear hole?" And I shared that story with several people because it was ridiculous and I knew they'd laugh or feel sympathy or whatever people do.

That same night I went to late night happy hour at my favorite restaurant bar and some guy started talking to me and so I walked around with him outside the mall and eventually we sat in front. I give you a list of things he said to me:
1. Do you like to watch guys jerk off?
2. Do you think you'd want to be my wing man?
3. Do you have any single friends who just want to have a good time and "want an Asian"?
4. Have you been to a BBW club? (Me: what's that? Him: big beautiful women. Me: um no).
5. He spent quite a while talking about an ex girlfriend that wouldn't put out enough and asked if he was an asshole for breaking up with her but not before he said something like "but don't you think she could just spread her legs and do it anyway because 'men have needs". I was careful to differentiate. Yes, if you have different sexual needs you can leave the relationship. No, she's not your property to fuck as you please regardless of how she feels.
6. 
Him: Are you sure you don't want to watch me jerk off? 
Me: no.
Him: how bout just for 5 minutes? 
Me: no. 
Him: what about 3 minutes?

If it weren't so ridiculous, I might be embarrassed.

Queen

I love queen. It may have began with the Bohemian Rhapsody scene in Wane's World when I was in high school, but I wanted to take this moment to remember and pay tribute to Bill Yourdan, who I got many old cassette tapes from at that time and it contributed to my appreciation of older rock.  A Night at the Opera has become a favorite and I feel pretty confident at  Karaoke when Bohemian Rhapsody comes on... I was watching a video of them performing and I realized that they're probably the only band I haven't seen that I would love to see that I will never get to see. I had sort of written off the Beatles already because they're a slightly different generation.  I still have a chance to see Heart and Morrissey.  I've seen most of the other bands I love.  Freddy Mercury. What a Rock Star!