Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Thought Bubbles

So I don't know what I want to do for a job, so what? I mean, I've never been one of those people who had their whole life mapped out in front of them anyways.

Last night, I was thinking about what it was like growing up and how I was always in this uncomfortable place, both physically and mentally. I've had chronic anxiety since about fifth grade (age 10), only I didn't know that's what it was until maybe the end of high school. I dealt with conflict by shutting my eyes, literally. Years lately I can see that other people in my family deal with conflict by psychologically shutting their eyes (or putting their head in the sand or whatever other metaphor you want to use).

I think I always felt like it wasn't OK to be myself. I was constantly compared to the way people were when and where my parents grew up. It might as well have been on another planet, because it sure seemed like it. How could I be like these fictional characters in my mom's memory when I had never even met them?

I also felt totally confined by my neighborhood, my house, my room... My dad worked for the school district so he was always driving around the neighborhood in an orange truck. It got to a point where anytime I saw an orange truck, I'd freak out and want to hide.  I associated it with getting in trouble.  I felt like the only place I could be myself was at school, but I don't even think I was being myself there either. I didn't know how to be myself.

So, I am now 30 and have finally found ways to manage my anxiety, but I still don't know what the Hell to do with myself.

I think I have known for a while now that I need to find a good job as opposed to committing myself to a career. I think I have too many varied interests to let one of them consume the rest of my life. I think about how my concept of a job has been shaped by movies and TV shows and not real life experience and how doing field archaeology for a job is so "outside of the box" for me that I didn't really enjoy it.

I used to feel like a gypsy and the idea of traveling around the world for work was perfect. But now, I feel less like moving around all the time. I want a piece of Earth that I can rest my weary head on and come back to each day to regroup. I feel less and less like I have to escape from where I am and who I am.

I wonder how Leonardo Di Vinci felt when he applied for a government post doing mostly engineering when he was talented in so many ways?

Anyways, enough babbling for today.

1 comment:

Jeanne said...

Wow---that really puts into perspective how I feel about my own talents & interests. And, having a home base does wonders for my soul, too.