Saturday, September 12, 2015

I Forgot

I saw a few posts here and there about 9/11 and moved past them.  Its not that I'm insensitive to what happened, but I expect  people closer to the crash sites to be more active than someone like me, who didn't even watch it happening on TV that morning 14 years ago.  I hear the tributes, I see the pictures - I can't imagine how much it affected so many people's lives.  But it really didn't affect mine.  I mean, it changed the political landscape of my world forever, and I've had to change the way I pack and plan on removing my shoes when I take flights, but as a relatively average US citizen living in Los Angeles, CA it didn't fucking change much.  

In fact, the night before 9/11/2001 I was hanging out with my boyfriend at the time, lets call him AM.  He was trying out this thing where he was self sufficient in the world with minimal resources even though he actually came from a middle class family.  

That particular night we ended up sleeping in a drainage area (don't get me wrong, it was nicely cemented and relatively clean, just unusual for most people to sleep at), drinking some beers, and having no cares in the world.  The next morning, he headed over to a friends house nearby and was met by the first wave of  hysteria about planes crashing into the world trade center.  At the time, we had no solid facts, and he relayed what he'd heard to me.  We were both in college, sociopolitical activists, vegans, and punk rockers.  I think when we first heard what had happened, it was surreal in a different sense than most people think because we were primed to imagine everything as an act of some revolution that we thought was coming.  But when we took a bus to our college and talked to a local kid we soon realized that it was already being blamed on external terrorism.  

The next few weeks we watched, and read, and researched and I remember believing some crazy theories about what really happened to the towers, the pentagon, the other plane that exploded.  And I know how easy it was for me to latch on to some of these crazy theories.  That's why I understand how hard it can be for other people to this day. Not just about 9/11 conspiracy but everything else. Sometimes we are just looking for a logical neat answer or someone to blame that makes sense.  But in reality, most things happen because of a long string of actions and reactions that are hard to pinpoint.

In my own screwed up way, I remember September 11, 2001 as this day when everything changed, but not in the same way that everyone else does.  I think that was the beginning of the end for my relationship with AM.  He was critical of my drinking (as he should have been) but I took it very hard.  He was the first love of my life.  I felt like someone died when he left me.  He was one of those guys that all my friends loved and continued to ask about until years later.  He was special.  I loved him completely, for a time. And then he was gone.

To Any Readers Out There

Lately, I've taken to writing my thoughts on Evernote on my phone so  I have them but don't need to publish them.  I have certain issues with publishing every thought and so I give myself a waiting period.  But as much as I try to shield myself from internet trolls and what not, I do need to publish more. My friend always encourages me to submit stuff and I will eventually, but in the meantime, I will publish a bit more here and hopefully get some feedback?


"Feminist" Crap

I just read a post where a guy was complaining about women rejecting men and being friendzoned.. and on the one hand, I get it. A lot, I mean A LOT of girls simply don't think of guys as having the same feelings as they do because they're guys - and we're raised to think there's this huge innate difference between us.  So we may not always realize how much we hurt them until we get older.  We are different, but not so different we need to be raised in two separate worlds like that.  But the other side to that coin is the simple truth that we still live in a society where most males are born with more privilege than most females.  And while most men have never had to alter their lifestyle, plans for the night, or walking path for fear of being raped, most women have.  Bottom line.  A fact.  

So, I'd like to talk about the actual differences between us which lead to our different behaviors.

Even with birth control, accidents can happen.  If we get pregnant, we have to invest 9 months of our lives to carrying a child OR having an abortion.  I'm not arguing pro/con abortion here, just including it as a realistic option.  If we give birth, and survive, we have a choice of raising a child or giving it up for adoption.   We may not realize it, but when we are out at a bar and slightly greasy bad teeth guy comes up to us and asks to buy us a drink, we are assessing whether or not he's good genetic material and worth that fucking time and effort and risk.  The standards we have vary across the board, but it doesn't matter. There's always gonna be that one goofball who just doesn't cut the mustard on first impression.  But, it also can take us some time to figure ourselves out and unfortunately, guys will get hurt along the way.  I am ashamed to admit how many hearts I must have left broken in my wake as an adolescent/young adult.  But you hopefully learn lessons and improve yourself and how you treat guys in time.

I can only conjecture here. It seems like guys are still encouraged to "go out and spread their seed" as it were, even though I hope there is more focus on safe sex then there used to be.  And I know that a lot of guys want relationships but either way, my personal experience has led me to think that guys in general will take what they can get (sex wise) and they often don't wear protection unless you talk about it.  Which, even if you are both just having a bit of fun, can lead to the above mentioned "accidents".  My advice to guys (and girls too) is, always treat girls with the same respect you'd treat any other human being and if she says no or doesn't treat you well, don't take it personally, don't dwell on it too much, just move on.  Some bitches gonna hate, but most are are oblivious to your obsession.  If you truly like a girl, give it some time.  But not so much time that you lose out on other opportunities.  We are only human, after all.

I will say that I hate guys always referring to females as bitches, hoes, etc. There's no need to add that extra layer of derogatory name, except to let me know who the big assholes who don't actually like women are.  And I think I've figured out my biggest problem.  I think that even when guys say they "love women" and aren't totally misogynists, they don't actually "like" women as people.  

I think the problem with dating is rooted in several things.  One, we are told that fantastic lie that there is someone out there for everyone and love love stinking love is all you need.  Two, that people don't take care of themselves as well as they used to and so there are a lot more people who fall outside the "average" standard of good looking. Three, we often resort to going out and trying to meet strangers, having no other standard but their looks to make our decisions on.  Four, we have an expectation of what a man is supposed to be to us without having a defined standard of what we should be to them in return.  The truth is that there is no actual standard for either of us, but we have both imposed an imaginary standard on each other and then are disappointed.

And there are a lot of pent up angry single mothers out there teaching their daughters some fucked up lessons about how to treat guys.  In their defense though, they've been through some shit and have most likely been left to raise a child all by themselves.  Angry single moms often lead to angry daughters who don't always have a good male role model in their lives.  I was one of those, so I know.  It took me longer than my peers to learn some harsh lessons about dating and sex and men and women.  

Now, as a single lady once again, I have hope but its clouded by self-doubt. I know what kind of problems I have and I've always been able to be honest about them with a guy.  But I feel like now that I'm older, its going to be that much harder to find someone decent who I can be myself with.  Who knows.