Sunday, July 30, 2017

To Have Kids or Not to Have Kids...

I decided not to, at a rather early age. But unlike most people, I barely wavered as I grew older. I did go through a few years where I was open to the idea, but now that door is once again shut (in my mind).

My reasons are straightforward:

  1. I grew up with a single mom and it was difficult. I struggled with a lot of things like my identity, knowing right from wrong, and having confidence. I'm not saying everyone's situation is like this, but that's what my experience was like. As I grew up, I knew that I wouldn't intentionally want to have a kid UNLESS there was a stable partner in my life who had the same goals to raise a child with me.  Life happens, and I know there are no guarantees, but I didn't want to start out on what I felt was the wrong foot.
  2. Pain. I know I can handle a fair amount of pain, but the whole pain of childbirth thing has always been terrifying to me. There's no reasoning behind it. Women give birth every day and are totally fine. I fear the worst for myself. I want to run and hide in a secret "safe" cave every time I think about the idea. 
  3. Referring back to #1, I've had total shit luck with relationships and haven't found that stable partner that I wanted to have kids with.  I had one, briefly, but it also went the way of the dodo. For the record, that was the only time I seriously considered it and was open to it and wasn't totally terrified. I had also been watching the British show "Call the Midwife" and found that seeing so many women go through childbirth unscathed did actually help my attitude. 
  4. I'm not trying to say that insanity runs in my family, but they crazy. I come from hoarders who can't show emotion in a healthy way. Add a side of alcoholism, and mix thoroughly. I am more like my grandma in temperament; my mom is not. They say these things skip generations because we are all reacting to the generation before us. With my luck, my child would be another crazy Gemini like my mom. I don't have the energy.
  5. I'm pretty damn immature for my age. There are days I don't know how I managed to get myself this far. I know a lot of parents are probably more like this than they should be, but I don't want to be that kind of parent. I feel like I'm still very much in the child role in some ways. But maybe that just naturally changes when you have kids. 
  6. I'm not going to be tied to some guy for the rest of my life just because he knocked me up. Nope. Thank you, Roe vs. Wade!

I do have one (very good) reason for having kids. One I cannot deny and would succumb to if all other factors could be dealt with (pain, fear, devoted father figure): passing on that knowledge. I feel that I have a lot to offer the world because of my varied life experience and broad worldview.  However, I can pass this on to other people's kids instead. I can pass this on to non-kids as well.  And I would still be free to keep searching for whatever it is that I don't know I need to find.


Anonymous said...

The "Way of the Dodo" is such a bullshit expression. It makes it sound like they just up and died off because they sucked as a species, or whatever. Which I'm sure is what 99% of most people think. And that's fine. Doesn't really matter since they've been dead for 400 years and the world hasn't skipped a beat. You can't expect too much of people anyway. But when you consider they were unambiguously wiped out by humans and human introduced species within about 70 years of humans first discovering them, it makes that whole expression pretty fucked up. I have friends that use that expression but I give them a pass because they're fucking ignorant so I don't expect much from them. And I hate bringing this up because it either makes you sound like a total treehugger or a PC language cop, which I consider myself neither. I think I just hate seeing people repeat dumb shit when I know they know better.

Leann said...

Dear Anonymous,

I published this (even though it really chaps my hide when people criticize an article on a point that the article isn't even about instead of having constructive dialogue about what is) because of this sentence: "I think I just hate seeing people repeat dumb shit when I know they know better."

Do I know you? You don't need to be shy...

To address your opinion about my using "such a bullshit expression," all I can say is that you have given me some food for thought (is that expression OK to use?) and I can certainly appreciate the challenge to improve my writing skills as well as myself. I would hate to be lumped in with your "fucking ignorant" friends over the use of a very common idiom. Perhaps you can suggest an alternative that is not such bullshit? Or how about a list of all the non-bullshit expressions you think I should be using when I express my own thoughts.

Thanks for the feedback!